today i discovered it - a faceless fat man
a head sunk into the sky
like a dinosaur
right there, outside the second
window on the left
its children, small and ripe
like peaches
scatter down the road invisible
in their maiming to everyone
but that goddamn second left bus seat
who feels them leaving
little puckered dimple-sores
all but hidden by her hair
sometimes she wishes that
fat man would learn to get a grip
on his kids.
clean and bloodless feet
make things easier when she is
so horrible a sleeper. although
it's okay, she finds,
to hang her face against a hand
that the children haven't found yet.
and if she breathes steadily enough
the others across the aisle
will not worry or notice why
she has chewed the thick
of her fingers
so thoroughly bloody
and fibrous again.
Author notes
29 lines
and as simple as it gets
please tell me if it doesn't make sense. because it probably doesn't.
A contest entry
- empty pack of cigarettes drizzle on the window & the pair of gloves you left behind by Rembrandt Clarke.
875 points, ended November 24, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it, damn it.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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this may have won, if i were judging.
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thanks for entering the contest,
the more i read this, the more powerful it got, its hard growing up, esp if you have personal problems or problems at home, and i think you capture the feelings that young kids go through, its like a nasty circle of being ignored but then needing to hide. -
another amazing poem, totally surreal like, but thats the circles my mind runs in lolz
"its children, small and ripe
like peaches"
Loved that line
"although
it's okay, she finds,
to hang her face against a hand
that the children haven't found yet."
And all that
I swear do you just get in my head and make me see what I see because your way with words is simply brilliant
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reminds me of anna.
stunning as always.
i've given up on writing as well as you do.
"its children, small and ripe
like peaches
scatter down the road invisible
in their maiming to everyone
but that goddamn second left bus seat
who feels them leaving
little puckered dimple-sores
all but hidden by her hair."
fucking brilliant.
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"a head sunk into the sky
like a dinosaur">>>genius.
lovethis.
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i dont even know what to say. i love it. i have no fucking clue what most of it is. but i love it. lol
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hmm. it doesn't make sense, then?
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im a little hungry
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ha...join the club >.<
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it makes sense. the fruit just threw me off
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"its children, small and ripe" - lose the its or make it his
"sometimes she wishes that
fat man would learn to get a grip
on those kids of his." - simplify sometimes she wishes
fat man would learn to get grip of his kids
unless it's a rhythm compromise
clean and bloodless feet
make things easier,
she's such a horrible a sleeper. although
it's okay, she finds,
face hanged against a hand
children haven't noticed yet.
hope you find those useful
it's different
I liked none the less
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thanks for the advice
the "its-his" thing is intentional,
but i definitely see the other things you mentioned :] -
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you're welcome
found myself reading it and removing them as I advanced
thought this is too good to shut up
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Damn, this just is brilliant and I am not just saying it, you place me on that bus and you made me see the scene unfold in front of me, that takes talent to paint with words, and you have it.
C
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"today i discovered it"
Well, that makes me want to say 'Eureka', buy those black-framed glasses everybody with perfect vision buys to look emo or cool, and yeah...say 'Eureka' again.
"like peaches
scatter down the road invisible"
How coolio and tasty...There's so much sight & sound packed in, and then you use the word 'invisible'. Mmm.
"clean and bloodless feet
do make things easier when she is
so horrible a sleeper."
This feels slightly detached, feeling-wise; more like a physical observation a labcoat would make.
Which in this context,
I absolutely ♥♥♥.
"she has chewed the thick
of her fingers
so thoroughly bloody
and fibrous again."
Holy shit cakes.
That was perfecto...Love the way you've used 'thick' and 'thoroughly'...ahhhh you kill me with brilliance I must steal.
Jessica
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makes sense, makes wonderful sense
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thank you :]
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is this what we had to wait ten minutes for you to finish writing? is this why I laid on the floor with a can of blue silly string giggling and cursing for five minutes?
... if so, it was worth it XD
awesome poem, as usual.
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hahaha sorry love. (wasn't it GOOFY string? just saying.)
i'll bet veev gave her typical disbelieving, exasperated look. i can picture it right now. and i'm very sorry.
but it was worth it X)
haha thanks.
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fibrous. nice.
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freakin eerie, enjoyed
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