He watched me for hours, waiting until I was alone
He slowly approached from across the club
Godly green eyes and sinew build
I shook and fiddled my dress
And looked at his feet
He took my hand
Drew me in-
Kissed-!
I was lost
"What is wrong,"
He asked with a smile
But I could not speak, gone,
His hands on my hips, my feet numb
"Come to me," he whispered, powerless I went
To his place for drinks and caress, my womanhood found..
xx
xx
xx
Dw
Author notes
Seduce my mind, ensnare my heart, capture my soul, and my body is yours completely...Unknown
I hope this qualifies. This was inspired by my more colourfully dressed and bisexually curious days - I hope you're all good with this. [Is this meant by Aduality? Apologies, I'm behind on the lingo lol] This is my most personal piece yet, a subliminal issue that dominated ten years of my life, one that is still with me to this day. Good contest and good luck to everyone!
Dw
A contest entry
- Are you up for a challenge? You'll like this then. ;) (contest) by Hikari Lady.
600 points, ended November 23, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any comments always welcome
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Nice, very seductive and i liked the way you write it how it got shorter in the middle, suspence and intimancy became more profound. Loved the second last line, superb!
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Hmm.
"Godly green eyes and sinew build" is a little bit cliched. You might want to change that to something more original.
This sounds a little more like prose than poetry, too, but maybe you're into that. I liked the way you did "Kissed-!" very expressive, reminds you of the way you feel, not think, when you kiss someone.
Again, "Drew me in" is a little cliched as well, maybe a different word order.
I notice how this poem was written to form the shape of a woman wearing a dress, but I think you might be trying to hard to get the form. That happens sometimes when poets rhyme- they focus on rhyming the words, not getting the meaning across and making it make sense. It might help if you broke the form.
Also, "What is wrong" sounds a bit stilted. If this is prose, the person would most likely say "What's wrong?" with the contraction. Also, there would normally be a question mark there, but you could choose to leave that out as an authors decision.
Nice job,
-Colin -
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Sorry to take so long; been neglecting Poetrywrite for her sister site, Storywrite. First off: outstanding comment. Cliches? Yup. It's a very early attempt at prose, honing my skills as it were. Re-reading now it does kinda raise my eyebrows with a "Huh? I can come up with better than that any day!" At any rate, I consider myself more the straight [pun intended] writer than poet or prosaist.
The hourglass shape was a requirement for a contest, which, at least in my case, made things that much more difficult; I felt I had to use the clunkier but technically correct "What is wrong" to maintain the shape with the entry deadline fast approaching...
Again, thanks for the first rate comment!
Dw
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It shouldn't matter...
...how people feel about what your life has encapsulated at any stage. Who are we to stand in judgement? (This, in reference to your rather apologetic AN
).
We all grow and get to know ourselves in different ways, and one of the most striking things that stands out in this lovely, sensitively written piece is just how in touch with yourself you are as a writer.
I love the honesty in this, and your choice of words only hones this feeling:
'shook and fiddled my dress
And looked at his feet'
...don't we all do this when suddenly feeling awkward/vulnerable?
I also really like the way the transition in momentum occurs at the word 'kissed'. A great touch there.
I'm assuming the shape of this clever piece is in fact one of those cork board pins? I note no one else has commented on that..so maybe I'm just way off base!
But to me it makes perfect sense...nailed by desire...?
Anyway, I for one applaud your wonderful work and congratulate you for having the honesty to write about a period of your life that you seem to feel guilty about, but with such beauty and poise.
Very well done. BRAVO!
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Thanks as always! Sorry to take so long; seems I've neglected my AllPoetry account for Storywrite. I took out a couple poetry books from the library and found a little inspiration; thinking on dabbling again. This is an old contest entry, the shape of the poem wasn't my idea but a requirement - "nailed" is a simple contigency. But a good spot! And... no guilt here, I was more concerned with the appropriateness of the "subject matter", as it were...
Take care ;-)
Dw
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I really liked and enjoyed this piece, it got a funny and lovely air around it. The ending was beautiful so was all the poem. Thanks for entering and best of luck.
~Noor -
i enjoyed this piece and i think you took that quote in you notes well and ran with it, this is a great example of what a moment can do to a person, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Very nice - a lovely telling being captured in the moment. Kismet! Well done and best of luck.
Ken
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Well written and beautifully done... Lost in the moment it seemed, captured by his gentleness and presence. What a wonderful feeling, to be lost in the moment. Best of luck to you in the contest.
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