like festering waters that lay still in time,
slowly decaying, hindering growth,
draining every molecule of existence
out of something that was once so vibrant,
your suffocation left me breathless,
and your septic mind brought death to those around me.
we could have built a stream together,
one which surged to the ocean,
forever flowing, encouraging new life,
but you chose to stifle, pollute and destroy,
with the poisons of your toxic mind.
Author notes
i have taken on board your comments and i have just revised it today i have re written the second stanza and feel it is stronger now and i have also taken out the single line "death was inevitable" i think on the whole the poem is much better, what do you think?
up dated 17-11-08
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Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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I think this is one of your strongest pieces. It is very dark and you can feel the underlying pain and anger in it. A very enjoyable read!
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your suffocation left me breathless,
and your septic mind brought death to those around me
this STINKS,,,, in a great way,,,, thanks for sharin,,,, MICHAEL -
this is just great septic tank wow that stiks and toxic mind so powerfull great stuff
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OmG......
LoVe ThIs!!!!
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i think this is one of the most powerful poems of yours that i have read yet today, the line;
"and your septic mind brought death to those around me."
really struck a chord with me
BRAVO!
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carnivorous orchid
thankyou i agree, it is my most powerfull write, and also my favorite lol -
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It is incredibly powerful, I was impressed!
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"your suffocation left me breathless
and your septic mind brought death to those around me"
↑ooh, that made me cringe! good finish, too. very vivid.
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I love it .....
you know what is really crazy? the fact that you told me to read this poem! I just had a break up a few days ago and this is the exact scenario that has went on in my mind after it didnt work out...the part where you say:
we could have built a stream together
one which surged to the ocean
forever flowing, encouraging new life
but you chose to stifle, pollute and destroy
with the poisons of your toxic mind
I mean that is priceless right there. You used nature as a metaphor for love and it was flawless. You should be very proud of this write!!! That second stanza just sends chills all up and down my spine, if you knew what I had been through and how I was feeling you would understand....oh wait you do!!!! -
deep,,,YOUR SUFFICATION LEFT ME BREATHLESS this line is one of the best I've seen wow!!Your writing is very well done ,,,thanks for sharing..
Michael
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Yes, I think it sounds better without "death was inevitable" in there. =D
I like how you wove in this idea of pollution throughout the whole poem. -
wow. your language is astounding.
i want to choose a favorite part- but it runs together so well it's difficult to pick out a single part of it to lable it my favorite.
wonderful! definitely a finalist already!
-wesley!
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Its a funny old life ain't it lass...
we search for happiness in the eyes of others...
when were really searching for ourselves...
Looking to build a brand new world with a love..
just to have our hearts dragged around it.
Your disappointment was articulated with grand poetic style.
Trusting others with our heart....
I once had a heart that was kind and true,
but now it's gone
from me to you,
take care of it as i have done,
for you have two,
and I have none.
We take such a chance when we wear them on our sleeve...
but you are a poet...
and for poets there is no there place for them..
to hide it away would go against the grain.
Im afraid your work has caused me to philosophize ..
Reading your work makes your comments on mine
valued ten fold.
You are sweet and so kind to give of your time.
Bless you little gypsy,
always,
Lowell Poe. -
THIS IS GREAT!
You carry the metaphor effortlessly throughout this entire piece. The vocabulary is stunning...the first stanza has real kick. And then, the way you continue the metaphor and expand it to it's logical end is just ...skilled.
Great poem. -
I thin your right about what you did. it really made your poem stronger.
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Excellent, many of us been in this sort of situation. The river once flowing so strong, begins to meander off course, puddles form, a film covering what was once clear. Some will help with the journey to the sea, others build dams to hold back the flow to the future.
Really enjoyed this!
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I think you are right lass...
I did not see the original version...
but it makes a strong statement.
Its the old oil and water....
some people are just to toxic when mixed with ones dislikes.
It's like this thing morphing into mold right before you.
Just a superb job in conveying a feeling....
it is what Art is supposed to do....
Thank you so much lass...for taking time from your life to read my work.
Time is the gift here.......thank you....
Peace always,
Lowell Poe
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So Intense
Wow.... What an image of a bad relationship. Some people are that toxic and controlling. The only thing they can control is the negative because they fear positive growth or change. Great Write.
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Interesting write
Yes in time if both dont work at the savings of love one shall fall in its wake leaving the question why for there is always one who tries to keep it whole while the other fights against it untill all love has faded with time
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very dark and poignant stuff here...your use of imagery was really well done and you've captured what it feels like to be in this situation...as so many of us have...
a really good write...thanks for sharing
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great stuff,
love "the poisons of your toxic mind" - seems to sum up a few people i know! keep writin
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hey thats wierd i know ive read this so why have i not commented it , have a nice evening
theresa -
i liked it before, but this i must say is even more awesome, good stuff, sends a shiver in my soul,ooh, so dark and delicious
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wow
i loved it, really creative and beautiful, and well done you for your first non rhyming poem, i wish i had seen the first poem before the re-edit.
I cant even tell you what my favorite bit is, cos i absolutley loved every line, and using the waters to indicate love was an excellent example. xxxx
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with the poisons of your toxic mind
you chose to stifle, pollute and destroy
we could have built a stream together
one which surged to the ocean
forever flowing, encouraging new life
your choice to destroy, mine to leave.
I don't normally edit or work with another person's poem
but this time I thought it might help you see a difference.
I avoid but's in poetry, when I can, because it says everything before the but is wrong. I think this heightens the positives you offered and the choice was theirs not that what you had couldn't exisit. Also this is less disempowering and I hate to see a woman give away her personal power to anyone.
Love,
Tom B. -
I like the first stanza. It is colorful with description and catches your attention. Then, right after that it is bluntly stated "death was inevitable." Was that one stanza a big enough build up for the line of "death was inevitable" ? Perhaps you could weave that one line into another stanza. The second stanza is much more simple and plain. It didn't have the strength and grip of the first stanza. I think the length is appropriate and although it is short, it is blunt and needs no embellishing in length. I am glad you are trying to write poetry that does not rhyme. It is the hardest poetry to write but it is this centuries form. The best poets write without rhyme.
The first stanza was excellent. I could picture everything and it was very vivid. Even if you kept the middle line, just spruce up the second stanza with more creative words.
I am just giving you ideas and I don't mean to come off harsh or mean. I have your best interest at heart.
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Stunning!!!
~This speak spoke volumes! I wouldn't change a thing. It has raw emotion and that is what true poetry is about. Fantastic! ~
Gypsy~
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great imagry
The life and death mataphor was well done in this piece. You portrayed death dark and rotting. But life was water, growth and breath. Death won in your last line. My only critique would be to add one more stanza regailing life so when you chose death in the end it will seem even worse. Thanks!
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Dreams are as close as we get to escaping our own Platonic caves. The first verse is terse, sharp, well stated and needs no explanation The line by itself is unnecessary and turn the poetry purple. Often the artist must trust the readers vision or in trying to make sure we are understood we insult the intelligence of the reader. It is all a balancing act. I bear the bruises of having fallen to often.
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