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because today you torched my heart I wasted middle-of-nowhere motel time

 

because today you torched my heart

 

I wasted middle-of-nowhere motel time

 

burning faces

 

oh-so-fucking carefully

 

page by newspaper page

 

 

 

and then slipped on

 

one brown kid leather

 

(too tight for my flexor pollicis brevis

 

but I ignored that pain

 

because what the hell

 

was one more pain)

 

and burned holes in that

 

right through to my skin

 

 

 

night didn’t so much fall

 

as sidle in unannounced

 

 

 

I left the curtains where they were

 

and the glass looked like

 

a generation of cats

 

had clawed it

 

 

 

my throat hurt

 

like my fingers hurt

 

but what the hell

 

was one more pain

 

I stayed counting heartbeats

 

between headlights

 

passing the night

 

wondering at what point

 

one thought mutated into

 

another

 

 

Author notes

Y'know... this is crap. I think I'll leave it here, though, just to prove I can write crap.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Rembrandt Clarke
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    thanks for entering the contest.

    this was really good.

    it was dark, and painful and obviously very personal. but you never went down that track of winding self pity and stupid emo crap i have to read everyday here. you splatter this dark descent with images of pure beauty, the ending inparticular, which was what sold it for me.


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      November 24, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for that assessment - and thank you for the little brown jug.


  • Dalaney gold member
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ...it ain't crap, sister.
    I think you pretty much
    did what the contest wanted
    and gave us a different look
    into that brilliant mind of yours.

    favorite lines: night didn’t so much fall
    as sidle in unannounced

    pass me a cig and let me kiss those
    fingers...

    Love, Lane


  • ea silver member
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the description of the curtains and the clawed glass, though. This definitely gives a great sense of that lonely hotel beat kind of existance.


  • Grunts Girl silver member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    since all the comments involve the word crap in them...

    i say this is crap with a red bow wrapped around it tightly sprayed with glade' (yes... say that with the ay sound at the end making it poorly french and sophisticated)


    well ok seriously
    there were many parts in this i liked a lot


  • IronMaiden1236
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    LMFAO!!!!

    Bravo, you freakin....stink!!!


  • Randomly Beautiful
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    but I ignored that pain
    because what the hell
    was one more pain


    I enjoyed this. It could use some nips and tucks, but so can my own stuff. Intrigued me to say the least.

  • Cinnarry gold member
    November 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Fuck all! I'm bookmarking it Mairi!

  • Bad Bill
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Crap? I don't think so. I think you know exactly what you're doing here. In fact, I immediately thought of Bukowski as I read this and I don't regard him as crap.

    Good one,
    Bill


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      November 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well thanks for the Bukowski - that's a compliment and a half. I was trying to be guided by a principle of Kerouac's, without making it look as though I was trying to write in K's style. I think I might have fallen down a little on not being me enough, if that makes sense.


  • Amera gold member
    November 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    One word short of "not bad"
    I still love you!

    Love,
    Amera♥


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      November 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I'm hoping you're leaving the word "not" chalked on the wall, Sis, but I doubt it.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    November 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    No it isn't all crap


  • Pure Thought silver member
    November 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Other than you don't like it why is it crap?
    So far everybody here likes it.

    I like it, but what do I know, I don't usually like my stuff.


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      November 16, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      ... except the people who told me privately they don't, of course. It's an experiment. I felt I had to write >something< today...


      • Pure Thought silver member
        November 16, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Do you suppose the experiments of ee cummings or Charles Bukowski were accepted by all as brilliant, or did they even feel they were writing crap and now are laughing their heads off???? Picasso to me is crap, but what do I know I paint worse than that. LOL

        I like the sharpness of pain described here, short jabs of it wrenching the mind and twisting the heart.

        Ahh, I just like it.

        Buddy


  • malmadre gold member
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a mood this creates! it's a pretty bleak setting but not crap at all. I can feel the hours crawling by, watching those headlights pass with you. Waiting for someone or running away from someone, maybe hiding from yourself. I like the night sidling in unannounced. This is good stuff!


  • charcoal
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i so enjoyed reading this. the title is so interesting and the poem is fascinating.

    one more pain... love how you repeat and emphasize and at the same time, made your point (:

    a generation of cats ... that's fascinating

    so much to love here (:


  • BlancetNoir gold member
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    this is mighty fine crap

    Damn, I wish the crap I wrote was like this crap! I can see the motel room. It feels itchy and uncomfortable, antsy... depressing and brown, smells of lysol and stale smoke. Vividly bleak, sitting with gestating rage. Who did this to you?


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      November 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      No one. I'm a writer, it's a poem, and I was responding to a prompt. That's not to say I have never had feelings like this; feelings are feelings, and they happen. Thank you for the "mighty fine crap".

1 - 28 of 28