the water is stagnant,
like that last drink that takes you
over the edge,
beyond offensive and into the sewer,
but I cannot see,
or smell
because he has left me in its' wave,
silencing me so violently,
but fervently,
as to deafen the accusatory tones,
(they make him acknowledge the story,
and he's not quite ready)
my pain is a piercing one,
needles poisoned with truth and clarity,
that make me admit to truths
that I do not want to claim,
and oh how this mighty heart has fallen,
as it pretends to be a clear one,
but is still stuck in the muck
of the eternal charade,
not willing to let go,
waiting for the opportunity to present its case to the jury,
(surely they will be compassionate)
shall I lie here in waste for eternity
or will I have a saviour?
Author notes
Mental Asylum [Invite Only]
Your quote is cut off, don't know why:
"i wanna explain how exhausted i am,
even in my dreams,
how i wake up tired,
how i'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.
But i can't write
and he doesn't wanna know about it anyway."
- ELizabeth Wurtzel [from book: Prozac Nation]
Guideline: Free verse. Must use internal rhymes and similes. Min one each.
In a list
A contest entry
- Mental Asylum [INVITE ONLY] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 11, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I think this prompt reallu ade you turn away from your reular style of writing - and I must say, this is excellent - there are no words.
-
wallowing in your words
I think this is awesome... read and re-read. I love the layered reflective narrative. Fabulous close.
... very well done indeed echoes MRSMYTH. -
a difficult challenge- freeverse with internal rhymes, and then a simile or two... I'll check the easy part first- for a simile... yet, second line... now the internal rhyme (minimum of one)... yup- stuck in the muck... OK, so much for the technicals, now let's see what substance you have here... a "love has left and hurt me" piece... still waiting... well, I've been there and know both the folly and the pain, and you've capture it here in your fervent narrative... and philosophically it makes me think of what it takes to snap a person out of it- usually an objective third onlooking party... made me think a bit...
-
Strong and well written
This is well done, would suggest that the last word in line 7 may be wake, rather than wade... You know like a boat's wake.
I appreciate your writings very much, good luck in the contest!
bj
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