guitar strings giggle
between my ears
(a soundtrack for a motion picture)
as you move inside
from the stale air
&& come laughing right along
(or a free-hearted jam, in a secret place)
picking up the harmony
from where the notes left off
~
i hear no shining songs today
to break up the bruised-black sky
no warmth inthis recycled air,
rationed by the day.
the notes on the page are
missing,
like kind words never shared,
sweet sounds never played
this guitar has a hole
hollowed out
where silver strings should stretch across
&& sing when i long to hear their voice
picking up the harmony
from where we last left off
Author notes
For contest: Yeah, nOva-
To Readers: (Since it's such a big deal. . . !)
Everybody seems to have a real problem with my so called "spacing issues" and "flow". I challenge you to consider those my choice of spacings, word placements and etc, as an expression of my style. Have you ever thought that perhaps my "choppy flow" is on purpose and intended for you to get the complete feel of the poem or give attention to a phrase or word? I see nothing "wrong" at all, and i ask you who have such an ordeal with it to accept it as intended, on purpose, for a purpose and as it is.
In a list
A contest entry
- Give Me Anything! by ToxicSuicide.
700 points, ended March 22, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - True Emotion by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended November 15, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Anything! [Part 2!] by ToxicSuicide.
700 points, ended April 26, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is an interesting piece. I think the spaces and choppy flow just make the poem better. Abrupt stops in the poem make you look back and reconsider what you've read. The ending radiates loneliness. Overall a well written piece. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
~ToxicSuicide. -
Okay this was pretty good. I play the guitar so I liked it a lot.
The Positives:
A very refreshing piece. It was very unique. I liked the flow actually. It was different.
The Negatives:
I am not to found of the "&&" . I think your poem is great don't use flashy tricks to try and make it look better. You don't need that. Also some very minor grammar issues. You can fix them very easily. "I" needs to be capitalized no matter were it falls in a sentence. It's like a name.
My Favorite part:
guitar strings giggle
between my ears
(a soundtrack for a motion picture)
as you move inside
from the stale air
&& come laughing right along
(or a free-hearted jam, in a secret place)
picking up the harmony
from where the notes left off
This was just plain beautiful! I loved how you caught my attention from the get go. Very powerful imagery! Thanks for entering.
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the flow is very rough...but its a gppd piece
good luck -
aaw! thius is beautiful! nice job with this one
,
a really great free verse poem!
thanks for entering! and best of luck in the contest!!
Your Co-Judge,
-Lemon Bee-
xx -
this is pretty hard to read. so maybe make it a little bit easier on the eyes. [i already have glasses so it's tougher]
from start to finish this was full of strong emotion and didn't phase my mind at all.
my only complaint is that your line breaks seem inconsistent and one doesn't really seem right.
"this guitar has a hole
hollowed out"
that one for instance. meh is a little off. if you were to fix these minor things then this would be up to par.
♥
dani
[you're moving on to round 2. -
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hows this for readibility?
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yes, it is easier to read
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This was superb. I read it on your author page and needed to comment. You know, I can always point out little things that bother me, but I could do so much of that with every one of my own poems. You are a truly improved poet, one that was never bad to begin with. Talent is natural, skill is developed, and I think you have both. The very beginning and the last stanza are my favorite, though the second half overall is very solid.
I didn't want to analyze this too much, because that's where I get nitpicky instead of just giving you my first impression, which was a very good one. Great write.
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Merci beaucoup pour son comment
ps.
nothing wrong with nitpicky
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:D
it was good and i liked it though... its kind of hard for me to understand... most are but sometimes thats the beauty in poetry that they hide a message deep down somehow sometimes never to be shown
~LunaLacrim†~
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