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Endeavor

Missing image

From space  they see a fading bliss,
a world crumbling through the mist.
A diamond now perishing where our planet cries,
hands from blind humanity's unseeing eyes .

People starving and homeless dying,
yet they spends millions to go to space.
Children crying and our young homeless lying,
what's happened to the human race .

E is for the end for this earth we  depend upon .
N is for never taking the time to heal its wounds and make it divine.
D is for our dead who have fought for freedom no one sees .
E is for loss of love for eternity.
A is for absence of mind for the brain no longer used.
V is for the victory yet not for me and you.
O is for the orb called earth we so took advantage of each day .
R is for reality coming our way.

 

Why would we spend trillions of dollars to see the universe afar ,

when we can't take care of the place where we are.

Why would we find art more important than the life of a child ,

it's a world today without a smile.

 

Imagine what could be if our countries were free ,

where we worked together as one for clean air and dignity.

Imagine everyone working and our children safe and loved ,

no world outside of this one ,if we don't stop will never be enough .

Author notes

I cry for I feel this world has gone mad . Its nothing today of what we once had for there was a time where our children could play without fear and tll me today of all the abuse and neglect and deaths we now hear . Humanity the only living thing on this planet that is given choice and what have we done with it girls and boys we in time have destroyed this planet with such greed to the point their are very few who still feels the need .I cry

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • BonnieQ silver member
    November 18, 2008
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    Good Editing

    Much better, sweetie; albeit, a few more missed words: dieing/dying, lieing/lying, univers/universe, dont/don't (last line).

    I would make this suggestion for line 4: change "humanity" to the possive form "humanity's" for a more comprehensible read.

    Also, for the first line of the acrostic, I suggest the following change to avoid the redundancy of for/for in the same line: as is "E is for the end for this earth we so depend ." -- suggest: "E is for the end OF this earth we depend ON." or suggest: "E is for earth's end, the earth on which we depend."

    Your original meter 12 for that line is reduced to 11 with either of these changes. However, each of your lines has a different meter; so, you might want to consider bringing the line meters together, either each line the same meter or every other line the same (alternating, say between 11 and 13 - one of your lines is 13). Consistent meter tends to improve both the rhythm and the power of delivery. FYI: meter is the number of syllables in a line; if in doubt as to the number of syllables in a word, look it up in the dictionary which presents each word broken into syllables.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love in Christ, BonnieQ


  • lianonsidhe silver member
    November 18, 2008

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    So heartfelt! Yes, the world is mad and cruel and sometimes just plain stupid! However, like Sodom and Gommorah, the world is spared because there is still more than just one good man. Lovely sad write. Thank you for sharing.


  • The Cube
    November 18, 2008
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    The world as I have seen it was always mad. As an American I ask myself, that even though I see so much negativity and fear in the world, would I rather live in fear but have freedom? Or live without freedom and without fear?

    Perhaps we ask too much when we want the fear to go away, because in the end, the fear of finding the results of the unknown is what makes life worth living.

  • BonnieQ silver member
    November 18, 2008

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    Well Thought-out Truth

    You have brought to the world, in this well designed poem, the truth everyone needs to embrace; for the end is very near and far too many are not prepared.

    While the design, specifically embedding an acrostic within, is very good, as are the truths you have pointed out to all of us, yet you really need to carefully edit this piece. There are far too many misspellings, improper word usage, and apostrophed words missing apostrophes. Also, sentence structure and punctuation need work.

    You have a beautiful talent, dear one, and obviously a caring heart for both this planet and its people; so, bear in mind that the mark of a great writer is his or her ability to carefully edit each endeavor. The things I have pointed out above can make or break the power a poem can have on the reader: a power that, sometimes, can make the reader a believer and bring them to solution. Also, too many errors tend to disrupt the flow, which can cause a reader to miss your point.

    Indeed, something needs to be done about the state of affairs in which we find our ailing planet and its very sick people: God, His Christ and His ways are the only answer; for the end time is at hand, the signs of which you see and portray in this great poem.

    You have a wonderful talent: use it well, use it wisely and make editing your greatest strength.

    Much love in Christ, BonnieQ
    (a former publisher's editor and published author)


  • maralisa silver member
    November 16, 2008

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    a wonderful poem how true your words are we do tend to waste money on many things that dont realy matter when many parts of the world are starving good luck inthe contest marailsa


  • Death of the Author
    November 15, 2008

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    I've written several poems on a similar subject and often had and heard the thought that NASA and all the rest of it is just a ridiculous waste of money. Yet that strive to know more drives the human condition...

    Very well penned.

    Imagine what would happen if all the poets started saving the world rather than writing about it. At least it doesn't cost anything...

    Good luck, this was excellent.

  • friend
    November 15, 2008

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    blind leading the blind i often despair of the human condition. you might like earth song take a listen on youtube sometime when you have some time. doesnt take too long.


  • Hikari Lady
    November 15, 2008

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    "E is for the end for this earth we so depend
    N is for never taking the time to heal its wounds and make it divine
    D is for our dead who have fought for freedom no one sees
    E is for loss of love for eternity
    A is for absence of mind for the brain no longer used
    V is for the victory yet not for me and you
    O is for the orb called earth we so took advantage of each day
    R is for reality coming our way"

    You've put this in a wonderful shape, grandma. The words are just so direct yet hold so much hidden and sad emotions. Truely this world has gone down since I don't remember. many poeple are dying, many starving, many are broken, abandoned and etc. The list just goes on endlessly. In the place where I live, I see so many wonders that keep me speechless. Poeple just care about themselves now, government is caring only about how to keep itself strong and in control. I can only imagine what shall become of us if we keep this going.
    May God be by our side.
    Amen.

    Much love,
    ~Noor


  • bigperm gold member
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    bigger, better, faster, more..

    plite of the modern man. It is a shame that we take with without reverence, as if owed some intitlement. It is sad.

  • saddie23
    November 15, 2008

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    This is beautiful

    This indeed true, but have to look from the point of view that we as a hold our killing our planet. Maybe if we weren't selfish we could keep the cost down and the scientist wouldn't look other ways too spend our money on useless spacecraft. The money this country throws away, we should bringing it back home to help us from going under. All the jobs given away, is another set-back. Keeping our children hungrey. Homeless is our future if we don't change for the better. Enough ranting. This poem is beautifully done with an acrostic in the middle. Good luck in the contest. Saddie23


  • thelordreigns gold member
    November 15, 2008

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    Thank you!

    Thank you so much for this very touching entry. I too cry for what man has done here on this planet.

    Beautifully done. I love the embedded acrostic.

    - joanne -

1 - 11 of 11