Believe It Or Not

It seemed like hours to get my one kid to bed,
He wanted to make sure Santa got some gingerbread,
As he still believed in the chap, I heeded his wish,
Of leaving a glass of milk and some cookies on a dish.

But since I’d be the one staying up really late,
Providing the presents for him to celebrate,
The milk was doused in jiggers of booze,
This was my Christmas treat before I got to snooze.

As I went upstairs to fetch his few gifts,
I heard a thunderous noise that made me stiff,
My t.v. was running as loud as a bullhorn,
And what was worse it was tuned into porn!

I raced downstairs to confront the offender,
And there was Santa Claus in all his splendor,
His red coat and boots were laid on the doormat,
He was completely undressed save his fancy red hat!

He drank the ‘milk’ with the extra spice,
Which gave him a kick and he didn’t think twice,
To raid the liquor cabinet and down a few bottles,
Now his Johnston was in his hand as he started to throttle!

What would Mrs. Claus think now of her hubby?
Dancing naked in my house and yanking a chubby?
If I were to save Christmas, I’d have to think quick,
But I’m not all that smart, in fact I’m quite thick.

Instead to the roof I climbed to steal,
All the gifts in his sack on his sleigh-mobile,
And after I was satisfied with the size of my loot,
I kicked St. Nick out the door in his birthday suit.

Now most people think Santa doesn’t exist,
But he does, my dear friends, I truly insist,
The same with the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny too,
They’ve all staggered out my house shit-faced and nude.