.
when the bubbles
in your throat
turn to glass
and shatter when
you swallow
clocks tick
regret
.
but you have been
buried alive
in crisp-white sand
with no chance
of september rain
to enhance your detail
and preserve
fogged memories
.
you think perhaps
to abandon the cave
hiding your sharp
fragility from
heated-eyes
and fervour
but waves of those
too-thin bubbles
threaten to pop
you never could
stand the disappointment
.
and monday is
just-so-far-away
Author notes
I have a friend who had to go and confess that he didn't go and confess the week before because he had gotten insanely drunk the night before and didn't want the "old religious ladies" to look at him ...
A contest entry
- PIF Lucky Dip by catalyst..
650 points, ended December 1, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Was he happy with his choice? If so someone else cannot dictate responsibility. His and his choice alone. Let him judge the final verdict.
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Firstly, what a strange situation! I think you have captured it interestingly and the final remark was well done. I like the choice of word order -> 'you never could...' Cheers
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beautiful imagery!!! and i love the twist at the end, with monday being far away. beautiful.
i also liked how you used second person. it drew me in and made everything more relatable.
i also love the phrase ..."clocks tick regret" i like how you used that to show the passage of time.
great write and good luck in the contest!
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I really loved this and the story behind it lol.
Your imagery was absolutely beautiful and I loved the format.
Great Write
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Actually I think this is one of your best, by far! The beginning and the last few lines particularly stuck with me. I enjoyed how you speak of bubbles turned to glass... makes me think of bubbly drinks, like lemonade or sodas... Quite an interesting episode, too. The only think I might suggest is to revise the repetition of "when" in the first two stanzas of the first part - it seemed unintentional. Otherwise, this is very good
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damn too-thin bubbles>>> i'd lose the 'damn'
not because it's a horribly misplaced obscenity, lol, but because it's too long of a stanza. it's clunky.
end of critique.
this is super good. i don't understand why there aren't more comments on this
. stupid poeple, don't know good poetry when it's staring at them from the computer screen!
meg
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god, your comments are good.
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thank you *edits*
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Now that I see my comment below, I totally remember this prompt.
Your first stanza totally reminds me of that poem I wrote for that quickie of Meg's...the one about vomit. LoL.
"the clock ticks over
to regret"
I like this; time=consequence? Or rather, over time, a consequence shows...that's my translation.
I think this would be better/snappier as:
"[the] clock ticks
regret"
"white-hot" <==don't like this part; it feels clichéd.
"to enhance your detail
and preserve the
memories you lost"
Oooooooh, awesome use of the word 'detail'; might I even say, detailed use of 'detail'.
"to enhance your detail
and preserve
lost memories"
?
"heated eyes of others"
I love the way you used 'heated'; goes back to that sand thing...but maybe leave out 'eyes' for later to make the reader wonder where it's from?
e.g. "heat from others -
watchful eyes"
Something to that effect?
"and monday is
just-so-far-away"
PERFECT and genius.
Jessica
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Actually - you inspired the first part of this poem - the bubbles are about lemonade ... I was going to have 'white-white' to really emphasise the whiteness but I wasn't sure if that would work and fell back on the safer one - I was expecting the not liking of that one - do you think 'white-white' (or burnt-white) - or something else? I love all your tidying suggestions - and I'm glad that there were some things you liked
... did you guess what this was about?
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Ohhhhhhh!
I do love lemonade. And the bubbles in any good drink.
!!!
"white-white"
That would've been kind of groovy...
I like "burnt-white" though...don't really need a hyphen for that, though.
"scorched-white"
"crisp-white" <==I think this is an unexpected use of 'crisp'...could you please use this one? *begs like a child*
Oh wait...it's your poem.
LMAO.
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done!
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Oooooohhhh I see 'crisp' there.
It feels so sharp and sexy.
LMAO
Me gusta.
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OH I love your prompt...
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Your title is:
Sunday Confessions
thanks for entering
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woo!
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