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once in a lullaby

above the world
beyond the rainbows
lays a land
up high

where a boy dies.

drowned in sorrow
drenched in tears

i wanted to die with him.

above the world
beyond the rainbows
lays the body
alone

constructive crticism would be really appreciated...

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • desperatelyobvious
    January 14
    Edit | Reply
    just because i don't feel like editing right now, a disclaimer for the readers... i wrote this when i was around 15, so it's not my best. i'm looking for some real criticism on how to improve it, so if you could leave some, THANKS! i think it has a potential hiding somewhere between the lines.