at the PARADISE MOTEL
rooms go for 5 dollars a night,
15 bucks to shift
your attentions from one sickness
to another
a slow fizzle,
the people in the motel are mortally ill
but the secrets of their bodies are her business:
she can be an acrobatic actress
for the days her john
wants her cavernous & insatiable. she likes it when he looks at her, flushed and sickly,
waiting for her assistance.
others squirm with impudent impatience.
they lick their open sores and
stoke heat-shadowed fantasies in
tightly-clenched blood-filled fists.
they tremble
they
strain to hear
her swollen sob story,
her breaking point
for the days her John doesn't want
to talk. She
lies on her back like a beetle
flipped and pushed
into the damp soil
his body is spastic
but she is spent
still empty.
she tries to right herself
A contest entry
- i watched her die many times. by Death of the Author.
700 points, ended November 16, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you love it?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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you have great artistic potetials to write eroticas in a unique and interesting way hun
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This is very, very good!
Strong imageries you used here, and used well.
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thanks very much for the applause, i'm super glad you liked it (to be honest I was a little afraid i had gone too far...but i'm glad no one has called me out on it yet) talk with you later, hopefully.
eva
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wonderful imagery
There is wonderful imagery,
I did'nt get it until i read some of the comments but that does'nt detract from your writing,
It's interstingly observed. i like the line "her breaking point" and wanted to hear more of this.
You write very well,
Best wishes,
Isabella
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This is sensationally good, your use of imagry is fantastic, you take us on a grimy journey of apathy anddejection, take us to visit thoseon the outskirts of society.
The language you use is powerful yet gentle enough to pick out the dessolation necessary to create an ambience in this piece.
What more can I say, an outstanding piece of poetry,
thankyou
littlefishone
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thanks so much for the feedback, terribly excited to see people generally don't hate me for writing this. best of luck littlefishbone, i'm sure we'll talk in the future. and no no, thank you.
eva
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stoke heat-shadowed thoughts in
tightly their blood filled fists.
- remove the second their and put tightly before in I think, it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's just me.
I really like your image at the end. Thanks for entering
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Very good use of imagery. You made it subtle, but if one looks, they are blind-sided. Great word usage, and good construction. I enjoyed this poem, even though it was meant to be dark. I thought it was kind of funny. But then again, I am a dark writer. Wonderful poem, my friend.
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- limbs jerk, body quivers and slides.
there is agony in nature's satisfactions
she will be spent she will be still and she is empty
...
Incredibly penned. I love the raw imagery in those lines, and throughout your entire poem. The words popped out from the page and allured me from your first line. Also, it was powerful throughout the whole poem, not losing it's strength at all as it neared toward your ending. Amazing =] Good luck in that contest♥
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And I like the title too...the covering, the stems and pieces, this is what is left, the residue of her life.
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Definitely a little death, and of course the broader meaning of la petite mort.
A sordid life, a sad life. More specifically I see a hotel, not of prostitutes (solely) but of all people at the bottom, wallowing, dying their little deaths, reaching their sordid and dubious ecstasies...and trying to right themselves.
This is well written, and no I am not surprised, not from you. You express that sordidness with vivid language...I jokingly call all my writing "shocking tales of horror" but for just this once, it applies genuinely to this poem, and I mean that in the best way I can. It's that good.
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oh yemassee. what would i do without your eloquent and scarily accurate assessments of my work? i'm glad you liked it, because i was a mite afraid i might've pushed it a bit far for the first thing i had wrote in a while but it turned out all right. talk with you soon, hope you're well.
eva
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"she lies on her backlike a beetle
flipped and pushed
into crumpled leaves" - this is great imagery. i never came across this beautiful imagery b4
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thank you, ms lez.
though i'm not sure what my complete aim was, i really meant to speak to the darker side of the lover in all of us. i'm glad you enjoyed it... and i hope you're well.
eva
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