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Venom

emotions inside started overpowering
looking kissable and irresistible
heart weakened by sweet temptation
blinded by love and giving in like a fool
chasing after my dreams into your arms
only to be ignored and rejected
falling deeper and deeper in the fire
still risking everything
whatever I do is never enough
I wonder what did I do so wrong
my heart still beats like mad
knees shake whenever I see you
yet you glare at me like I wasn't human
what more could you want or need
I give my all
In return you treat me like a ghost
Perhaps I never was loved at all
not even by my family
everything was just a sweet illusion
your behavior has turned into poison
because now I long to be like you
then maybe you'll notice me

Author notes

My Prompt is the song ~ Unloveable, By: Darren Hayes.
Lyrics are right here :
http://www.lyricskeeper.com/darren_hayes-lyrics/218608-unloveable-lyrics.htm

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Angelflower
    December 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, you did a wonderful job with that prompt. something that touched deep.. Thank you very much for sharing, best of luck in the contest.

    Angel


  • chilali
    December 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Darren Hayes! ♥ Great take on the song lyrics! Nicely penned. Good luck to you in the contest.

    Best wishes,
    Ylova


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sadly penned
    Full of deep and raw emotions
    Best wishes in the contest
    Julie


  • Demmy-Defect
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh my, dear...
    your word choice was one to wonder about twas very good!
    the ending protests meh own personal opinions, but in my statement, you may ignore me XD tis just a personal thing. XDDDDD
    other than that, this was very good.
    it had very good flow and i especially liked the lines what read:

    "chasing after my dreams into your arms
    only to be ignored and rejected
    falling deeper and deeper in the fire
    still risking everything"

    twas a great write


  • crimsondew
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Strong emotions ruling this page, but very well brought about..the flow of emotions is smooth and teh impact is great!
    All the best in the contest!


  • georgies shane
    November 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a very well versed piece although punctuation would have been good. caps and commas. a very sad piece but beautifully written,
    shane


    • Kari gold member
      November 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Usually I would do commas and stuff but the song inspired me so much that I didn't add them in this time because if you review the lyrics you'll see that it doesn't have them
      Ty for your comment


  • Victory Gin silver member
    November 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Aw, this made me sad... Unrequited love is a bitch, I know..

1 - 8 of 8