ten minutes away from fame
and a second from suicide
the clip is spinning fast
in a parade of the ethereal
a cracked view of the world slips
fading with a steady pound
all speed and sloth at once
tangibility dims in glimpses
notes of the macabre taint the air
staining paint and glass with darker shades
the saturation a bitter winter in contrast
to the summer peaking through windowpanes
and when your death is swallowed in victory
it will leave the sting of ether on his tongue
Author notes
I'm not really sure about this one at all.
I wrote it out of inspiration from a contest but then didn't really feel like entering it.
Detailed critiques, please.
- Allura
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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word choice can use refining? like the sting of ether kinda seemed a little vague, and such and such
otherwise
it was aweosme
[=
sorry if i wasnt supposed to respond to your AN but eh
just ignore that if you want, idk?
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I thought the flow was fast and the images pungent.
It was exactly like the collage or montage sequence of your life that you hear about, which supposedly happens just before you die.
"all speed and sloth at once"
is my favorite line.
I always enjoy reading your work.
*sparkling hugs*
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Interesting. For some reason I hadn't thought of that. It's almost as if that's exactly what I was describing but didn't know it. Huh...
xD
I love that line as well. =]
Thanks for the hugs and the read.
Lovesss.
Allura
I love your AP 'face' thing!
I dig photography of legs/heels. I've been doing fetish photography of that very thing over on deviantArt. Check me out. http://AlluraMarius.deviantArt.com
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Allura this was good. I liked it alot. I for the first time in a long time I really was able to read through the poem. Keep writing my freind I enjo it. Thanks for sharing
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Thanks sweetie.
It means a lot to me.
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wow, i really like this poem.
I remember saying quite a long time ago that i missed your darker writing style in leu of the wierd one you adapted. I came here expecting a surprise, yet somehow you managed to quite literally fuse the two styles together in quite a skiled and intrecate way!
this poem all and all was amazing to red, and it reminded me why i lived your work so much! i'll be reading/ online more often now. ttyl
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Thanks so much. I'm glad I'm finally feeling darker again too. All that other shit was so tiresome... So good to be in darker skin. xD
Aw, that's great, babe.
You need to AIM me. MoonlapseVerdigo
- Allura
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well beautiful poem, great imagery
my favorite lines were
and when your death is swallowed in victory
it will leave the sting of ether on his tongue
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Thanks much.
Those are my favourite lines as well. =]
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It sounds like that feeling I get right before I go on stage, for a matinee. That's about as detailed as I can get for you dear.
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Lol. I have no idea what that means. =]
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I really really dig the use of time in the first stanza and how different they are. It's kind of scary but in a delicious way... if that makes any sense what so ever.
Same in the second stanza with the mentioning of "speed and sloth." I like the contrast.
Then I like how you used the word "contrast" in your thrid stanza because you actually wrote on that in the above stanzas! And then in that stanza you mention summer and winter. Oh my gracious, so much contrast!
I really loved the use of death in this piece. It was haunting and very powerful. It made your piece stirring.
Fuck you for not entering this in my contest. lamesauce.
lovelovelove
PS. I like how in your all your profile pics on here you always show off those wonderful boobs of yours.
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xD I love you.
Thanks for the comment, beautiful. It was quiiiiite pleasing to me. Haha. I love contrast. It's one of the best tools at my disposal when it comes to art.
What is your opinion of the last two lines? They've caused some controversy, and it's not all good, lol.
I wanted to enter this in your contest but I wasn't sure you'd see the connection to the contest, haha. =] Could always open the pre-write section if you reallllly wanted it in there.
PeaceLove&&Sex
Thanks for that, babe. I love my boobssss. xD
- Allura
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Ah!
Finally. Y ou haven't updated in foreverrr.
This was really good. I miss your writing.
The first two lines I like, a lot, because it seems to be glorifying suicide almost in a clever manner.
"a cracked view of the world slips
fading with a steady pound"
Those two lines make a nice picture, I like that.
"to the summer peaking through windowpanes"
I feel like this would flow better with a comma between summer and peaking,
but then I realized you failed to use punctuation anywhere in the piece, so I suppose you wouldn't want to edit that.
A great ending to the piece. I really liked the "mmph" it had, and a sort of last punch.
Nice jobbb. I miss youuuuu. <3
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Hola!
I'm glad I finally updated too. There's kind of an odd story with that, and should I choose to write on it I'll be sure to explain all in my author's notes.
Thanks you so much for your delicious comment. Writing is finally getting easier again.. like a year later, haha.
Yes, I know what you mean on how that would flow better with a comma... originally I finished the poem with about three commas and seeing that it was so few I decided to leave them out entirely. =]
Love and miss you<333
- Allura -
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Yeah yeah yeahh.
Well I'm glad you're getting back in the swing of things.
Good stuff.
haha. I see, I see. [said that blind man.]
Anyways. Stay awhile. (: It's nice having you around.
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I can't say I really understand it, I do feel some strong emotion from it though. A very surreal reality, or there of a lack of a reality. I didn't feel until the very end it was pertaining to any individual till you said "taste of ether on his tongue", a lost individual in the world there?
I think its a good write, but might benefit from a little mre work.
Favorite lines;
"the saturation a bitter winter in contrast
to the summer peaking through windowpanes"
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Thank you very much.
Honestly I don't really know that I understand it either.
I wanna say this was originally my attempt to describe suicide in a non-cliche way, but now I'm not really sure that was it..
Thanks again.
<3
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