A loss so artificially bound
by waterworks and puppy dog eyes;
better smile quick before the next round
of gaining pity with crafted lies.
Sympathy only filled her mailbox;
Success came with dramatic facade;
She was left blessings from hat to socks
While the real mourners were sent abroad.
Author notes
There's a story behind this poem, message me if you want to know it.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Awww
wow sounds like a person of many schemes, very nicely crafted. Good imagery and metaphor.
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amazing metphores. excellent job.
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This is well written - love the mystery of the last line. The only line that clunked was 1st line 2nd stanza. The "only" seems misplaced and/or unnecessary to me. Bravo.
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Wonderfully crafted piece here
Your wording was terrific
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I really love your creative wording in your piece here.
"She was left blessings from hat to socks
While the real mourners were sent abroad."
I felt that completely.
I felt the whole writting, and love the way you express yourself here!
Great writting!!
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wow. this is really sad. and wow, your metaphors and wording was amazing. i love the way you crafted this poem. its really wonderful, and the emotions were so pure! keep penning
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This really seems like a sad write, the story behind it I'm sure is very intense to have spurned this write from it...Unless the story it too terribly personal, you should post it into your Author's Notes so the reader can understand the write better immediately, and then share their thoughts. Thank you for sharing.
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Outstanding
I have read your note about the background to this poem and it added to my understanding. I thought the poem was well-written and that you expressed your thoughts well. I would liked to have seen a rhyme in the second stanza to match the first - this would have made the poem stronger over all but I liked how you developed the theme and described her shallowness. Maybe everyone wasn't as taken in as you thought.
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I like that it's short, but complex in phrasing at the same time. You say a lot in very few lines and that is something to be admired. Your tone is clear, and in my opinion you have a real voice.
The last line in the first stanza seems a bit wordy to me...it's difficult to read without stopping and reading it over.
I don't know how I feel about the semi colons. Then again, I am against the semi colon in general--especially in poetry---so that could be just me---I believe it was Kurt Vonnegut who said that "semi colons are transvestite hermaphredites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college"
I do think some for of punctuation should be present at the end of lines 1 and 2 in stanza 2--consider a full stop, it will seem more decisive--a comma would be all right as well I suppose.
As for line 2 stanza 1, I think I would just leave the punctuation out--in my personal opinion, fluidity seems more appropriate there.
Nicely written,
Nadya
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Good job! A nice little poem. Some people just cry out for attention at every opportunity, don't mind about them. It's better being a poet lifted by your art. Because it's in art the soul's purpose lie.
Thanks for sharing!
I'm inspired from your tidy and perfect way of writing, thanks! -
Okay am not sure if I got what’s behind your story, but I adore abstract work, it’s always a thrill and exciemtment to read! Would you care and explain =)?
The flow is flawless, nothing to change for me!
Perhaps… well, am intrigued to know more of the story you’re trying to portray, you can still add to it while keeping it conceptual, for your theme.
Just a thought!
Good job
!
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It's about a girl I know that everyone loves way too much. She lost her grandfather (whom she barely knew) and wasn't too shook up about it. Yet she ran around telling everyone her story and pretended to be upset. She received an outpouring of sympathy in cards, flowers, food, etc from everyone, including teachers and our boss (we work together). When my grandfather died, I was devastated and I know of others who've lost family as well. NO ONE received anything but her. It made me feel as if my pain and the pain of others is inferior or unimportant.
Thanks for the comment!
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I find no misspellings or typos. That’s always a good sign. I think I understand the story. Don’t understand why you are requiring an additional action from the reader in order to hear the story behind the poem. Is it too long to put in Author Notes?
I think the poem will work like it is. I have no suggestions for change.
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I just put that as a note in case people didn't understand it. It's definitely not required of them to.
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