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The Closet

The smell of moisture sedated him as he sat there.
He could see just a fraction of the room before him.
The glint of glass bottles hovered past the crack.
Laughter crept through the gap in the door
as he sat in his closet.

They'd been drinking again.

He could hear the helpless screams
of the old woman in the room behind him.

The old man had lost it again.

He heard nonsensical rambling,
and the thunderclap of a head against a wall.

She'd been shooting up again.

He felt around his closet.
The feel of the rough wood against his skin made his hands tingle.
Loose change.
A pen lid.
Tattered book.

And then the light reflected off something.
He'd found it.
He rolled up his sleeve, itching at his previous inscriptions as he did so.

And like a master violin player,
he made that one, "stroke", and was in a state of absolute euphoria.
Blood droplets gathering on his arm hair like
dew on blades of grass in the morning.
He smiled, sitting there, drinking in his surroundings.

As quickly as he was at peace, the door was ripped open.

Thoughts flooded his mind.
Condemnation.
Accusation.
Hospitalisation?

"You've been cutting again".

Author notes

Otherwise DQ
Option 5
MysteriousStrangerX

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think?

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Comments

1 - 30 of 52     1 2  next >  (show all)

  • WindUpEnigma gold member
    November 6
    Edit | Reply
    My experience with cutting is very different...but I guess it is for us all.


  • stargardt13
    August 30

    Edit | Reply
    OH wow... this poem was incerdible! I love the comparison to you being a violin player. I enjoyed this poem so much. But i feel great sorrow that you had the feelings to be able to write this poem. Although this poem was incredible! Thank you for entering my contest


  • PaintedParisPassion
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    You're an amazing writer that is not afraid to write about touchy subjects. But more importantly, you do it in such a gifted way. I could see this in my mind, that's impacting. Thanks so much for entering and good luck. .

    ♥

  • Raven of Iniquity
    July 2

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful...

    Simply beautiful... The emotion and pain and utter joy in this was...something unmatched. Then the shock of being found, even better.

    "And like a master violin player,
    he made that one, "stroke", and was in a state of absolute euphoria.
    Blood droplets gathering on his arm hair like
    dew on blades of grass in the morning.
    He smiled, sitting there, drinking in his surroundings."

    These are my favorite lines.

    Thank you for this entry and good luck to you,
    ~Raven


  • nobodys-girl
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow...this is so just amazing...is disurbing and wrong and just amazing at the same time. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    thankyou for sending the link.....
    I did enjoy this poem,
    lovely textures and layers.

    and isn't it refreshing that finally
    so many are sneaking out of their
    closets....
    and facing the pain of addiction ...head on!

    lest those greedy cartels in Mexico
    only get richer off our $10.Billion
    secret tithes...to what we hide in the closet.

    The most popular question asked of me,
    is ..how do you cope?
    I betcha you can slaughter that one..maybe.


    ears/Seattle
    way to write!
    only one dark write...sad.
    theres a lovely power in your ink.


  • starrynight3636
    May 3

    Edit | Reply

    dramatic and immediate

    All I could think of was the hypocrisy of the adults in this picture, their own behaviors the driving force behind the pain and self-mutilation.
    I had no problem with the repetition of 'old' as in 'old'
    man and 'old' woman. If they are both old what is the problem with describing them that way?
    I must admit though, that I didn't get very much from the 1st line. I'm probably missing something here, namely about the smell of moisture sedating him.
    The poem takes off from there though and I thought it was well-written.It was interesting that it was written in the second person, it lends a certain objectivity to a poem that is otherwise extremely up close and personal.
    To my taste, the ending could have been stronger and offer more resolution. Of course, this is just my opinion. A good job overall.


  • Treasure 5 gold member
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow excellent piece no wonder you got a lot of trophys on this wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing and it was a pleasure to read.


  • Zorro69
    March 19
    Edit | Reply
    I found the ending unnecessary and an anti-climax. In my humble opinion this section "As quickly as he was at peace, the door was ripped open. / Thoughts flooded his mind. / Condemnation.
    Accusation. / Hospitalisation? /"You've been cutting again" needs deleting and replacing.


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    this is a really good write frorm you and i congratulate you on the trophies you ahve earned with this. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna roseamarie


  • alice-in-ACID-land
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing, purely amazing.

  • stargardt13
    March 15
    Edit | Reply
    My favorite lines were and like a master violin player, he made that one stroke and was in a state of absolute euphoria. This line was amazing just like the rest of this poem! thanks for entering my contest.


  • BrokenHeartsInVain
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. Very vivid, very discriptful. It's exactly how I feel sometimes, alone in a dark room, gripping a blade. You're on the pre-finalists list.
    Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.


  • still.she.waits
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    the imagery in this is fantastic, and i wasnt expecting the twist at the end. this is a very strong piece. the only thing i have to nitpick about is the second line of the 3rd stanza. old woman. the line right after is old man. maybe take 'old' out of the 'old woman' line. just the same word so close after, isnt to my liking


  • echo-ink
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    Yes!
    The imagery in this is fantastic, it's interesting and the metaphor was brilliant.
    The ending was a sharp turn, the story takes you into the closet and it was INTENSE.
    I loved it and think it should go to the finalists.

  • carnivalesque.
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    this is superb. the sense of reality really takes it up a notch, and (to me) heightens the emotions here. i love the story you've weaved, and i was totally caught up in it reading it.

    i also like how its left fairly open ended, and isnt so "slam shut", which makes the ending so effective

    thanks for entering!


  • frozenblackpetals
    January 25

    Edit | Reply

    absolutely amazing

    totally caught me up, i loved the style and the way it is laid out, so captivating and powerful. i adored the last line, how it really seriously struck a chord and ended the poem with a BANG! awesome. totally. thank you soooo much for entering!


  • Nisk
    January 21

    Edit | Reply

    great

    I usualy despise poetry like this, show me something about self-hurting and i'd show you the bin.
    But this, i like it. Probably because it had a sense of reality, none of that attention seeking crap.

    It's raw in it's concept and elegant in it's delivery, like art should be. well done.


  • Violent Glass
    January 18
    Edit | Reply
    wow
    this is great
    reminds me a bit of myself
    great emotion
    i loved it!


  • Jfd
    January 17
    Edit | Reply
    raw and intense, I'm a fan of this type of poetry....it felt real and well thought out....nice job


  • Swan song gold member
    January 15

    Edit | Reply
    This is real life poetry written in great intenisty.
    It is hard stuff to swallow but sometiems that is the best kind of poetry

  • nobodys-girl
    January 15
    Edit | Reply
    wow...this basically just brought tears to my eyes. cutting is one of the ways i used to cope, and i miss it every day. i remember the look in my parents eyes when they found out i had started doing it again.... anyway this is a wonderful poem. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck.


  • Luciferschild
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    i think this poem has alot of potential since it has so much emotions flowing from it, it just seems like there is a wasted line in there or two, thank you for entering and good luck in my contest


  • Danna Hobart
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    What does a state of absolute euphoria feel like? That is the only place I have any suggestions about. Instead of telling us he is in a state of absolute euphoria, show us what absolute euphoria is.

    Other than that, it flows really well and has a good use of imagery for a narrative poem.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

  • echo-ink
    January 6
    Edit | Reply

    Well, I don't condone the practice of cutting, BUT~~~
    I don't understand it either.
    Reguardless, this certainly had the makings of an awesome poem.
    I didn't have to TRY to put myself in the closet with you, I was with you, because the delivery of your feelings was spot on.
    Great metaphor as well.

    I'm not totally in agreement with myself for adding this to the finals list, but I'm going to anyway, because this poem was written in such a talented and thought-provoking manner.
    Good luck, and thanks for entering.


  • Maili Knephthan gold member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    This was amazing. It tells two stories one of the cutter and why he/she did it and the other of ahome life that drives them to do so. Thank you for entering this

  • Afxb
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is so vivid...I could picture the place....and the "Why the hell shouldn't I join in their screams for release"
    and the glory in the section "And like a master violin player...."
    Each of the protagonists finding short term sweetness.
    Beautifully written...and thankyou for entereing my contest.


  • Raining Kisses silver member
    December 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW THIS IS A MASTERPIECE IT HAS A RAL LIFEBLOOD ALL ITS OWN, IT LEAD ME IN AND SNRED ME FROM FIRST TILL LAST
    REALLY REALLY NICE WRITE
    THANKS


  • MessedupMarionette
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. It's freeform bordering on a short story. I really like this. I like that the main character is a man; one doesn't often hear about men self-mutilating. Thanks for the entry and good luck!

  • x26ss
    December 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    not much to say, was this meant as prose? It reads like a short story. Oh well... good luck in the contest.

1 - 30 of 52     1 2  next >  (show all)