~Fallen stars~
~
The monotone voices, turned into silence.
She treasures this serenity.
~
The sky is so dark, so serene.
So clear.
~
Those sparkling stars.
They write your names in the sky.
They shine like his eyes.
~
Look at that bright moon.
He could possibly be looking at the exact same one.
~
The sun is rising, day is breaking.
Another day closer to him.
Another day stronger.
~
Quick, wish upon a fallen star.
There is not a moment to lose.
~
Your fallen star is him.
Your wish came true; it is him.
~
This is love
~
A contest entry
- undeniable. by broken-colours.
700 points, ended December 1, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - To Be Put On My Favorites List by Ted E Bare.
400 points, ended October 15, 248 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Prewrites!!! Come take a look! by CentrifugalCorpse.
1250 points, ended September 7, 223 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Absolutely lovely! The romance captivated me. Lol, I've felt this way before. Reminds me of me. Thanks for sharing!
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Beautifully written.
Lovely job here, I love the simplicity and strong meaning here.
Bravo!!!
♥ kate -
lovely. good luck!
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nice
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Thanks for joining my first contest ever
Actually, I like broken-colours comment. I enjoy the thought of that, I think it's cute. -
There is a certain sentimental value that appeals to me in this piece - primarily because for the first few months of my relationship, we were long distance separated by nearly 1000 miles. So, it was a comfort to look at the stars and know he was seeing the same ones.
However, this does need a little fleshing out in my opinion. In the first & second stanza, you've used a variant of serene twice. I would like to see something different, maybe in the second stanza. Would tranquil work?? Part of the challenge, for me, at least, of writing poetry is trying not to over-symbolize by using the same words throughout the poem. You've got a redundancy with stars, another and him. So, I would recommend visiting a thesaurus to help in this regard. I consistently keep dictionary.com open when writing as I find it not only helps to build my vocabulary but it keeps me from the pitfall of using & re-using the same words!
Also, there is some punctuation that doesn't seem necessary towards the end of the poem. In particular in the last line...I understand the need for a hard pause but perhaps restructuring the line would work just as well.
BUT - having said all this, I do like this poem quite a bit. I like the fact that you took the time to tie in your font color with the background and the alignment seems to work well too. The format keeps the poem sweet and simple, not overdone in any way.
All in all, charming and lovely! Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest!
-Bean
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...I'm pwned. Whatever I come up with, I am officially pwned.
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Super sweet! I love the age-old story of long-distant lovers and both of them looking out at the sky and feeling comfort because they know their beloved is looking at the same moon as they are. So adorable. ^^
Thanks for entering!
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