rivers run abused unused, fused
ignorance no recompense, death
is a flint, and common sense fire's
an instinct 'through winters' intent',
how cold does the cut have to get?
A contest entry
- first frost by AJ Morelli.
2700 points, ended December 7, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me exactly what you think; no holds barred!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I too like the assonance but I also like the way that one must read slowly to pronounce the words clearly, forcing one to savour the sound of each word. The final line reads very smoothly but a little disarmingly, an unexpected question. It is full of abstractions punctuated with concrete images of rivers and flint. A little gem.
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well you certainly set the assonance bar very high in the first line, i kinda wish it didn't lose that quality completely by the end, but there is something really nice about this...
don't think you need the apostrophe in fire's (not possessive)
and i wonder about the form and the single comma...
a really good entry here, thanks
al -
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'fire is an instinct' not 'fires an instinct'
thanks, It's a good contest!
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wisdoms tic...comes knocking at the door, and to old man winter, who waits for you to answer... you stir uncomposed in hopes, he just goes away
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love the way you push the envelope, girl! love it!
don't ask me where this came from, an answer to a question, maybe not your question, but someone's question..lol i may use this for a contest i wanted to enter, but kept coming up with zero..if i can finish this, i will totally cite this(you) as inspiration :)
cold as dante's deepest breath
where blue satan freezes fire
gorges on the shells of death
and swills the chill of sin's desire
where inscripted archway plays the fear
abandon hope, who enters here
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this is like anything i have seen before and that makes me love it even more. i love how u set your own flow to this, and it sounds and flows to smooth. wow. well done. much love
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You've played with contrasts here, and built up the burn of cold really well. I sense a city, this is not a rural mindscape for me. The 'cut' in the final line is a wound, but not a physical cut, more of an exclusion.
Brief and powerful, chunky. Good stuff.
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Powerful... and written with your unique touch. Excellent!
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I like the assonance and structure
the fire seems like the taporing of the blade
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This blew me away. Really a creative approach.
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Your title caught my eye...I knew it would not be equivalent to the ELO version but deeper and it is...unused...abused...fused...fission vision poetry...how cold does the cut have to get...the irony being that it actually burns...unique tangled angles from the prompt of first frost...
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man i see your poetry everywhere, the city streets, building faces, the gentle manneurisms of humanity, you write with more than a keen mind, you write with a harsh soul
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