Oh my dear Fritz, my darling Sir Fritz,
Come walking on mornings sweet with dew
Have you pondered the thoughts of what’s happened to you?
They faded resistance and shattered the war,
Propaganda’s been burned, and we don’t know what for.
Lovely, my Fritz, softly, Sir Fritz
Come by the river on quiet strolls
But stow quickly feelings when gun thunder rolls.
By night murk and danger stalk civilians and thus
When surely the stealthy wouldn’t be taken from us.
Sweet, my Fritz, take caution, Sir Fritz.
Come by the road reaching out to the world
From which enemies invade with plans unfurled.
Take not their temptation with threats paramount
Lest your intentions can prove to surmount.
My Fritz, Sir Fritz,
Tread heavily among the whispers then
A raging dispute from an unknown when.
Author notes
Inspired by a WWII book, a memoir of a Holocaust rescuer. Alas, I don't recall the name of the book, but at least I had something to inspire me. I need to do some editing, because I don't think the ending is very strong, and some suggestions on that would be lovely. Anything else you want to add is fine, too.
Is there anything specific to improve on? Suggestions for a better title?
Comments
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I wouldn't change a thing, mon Capitaine. It's perfect the way it is.
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Really? Why thank you, my lovely! I appreciate it!
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Love it...
First off, gotta say, love the title... Please pardon the ego... lol!
Great compelling narrative, but see what you mean about the end, kinda comes abruptly...
Maybe something like:
My Fritz, Sir Fritz,
Tread heavily among the whispers then
A raging dispute from an unknown when.
Tyrants rage from far away,
And plot to fight another day,
Fore when the light so bright doth fade,
Sweet Fritz, my Fritz, don't be afraid.
When enemies are slayed and gone,
Your stories, soul and strength live on...
My sweet, brave Sir Fritz............
Kind of, off the top of my head, hope you don't mind... If you like it, please feel free to use it...
Keep up the good work...
Well penned, well versed, well done!!!
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Wow fantastic poem! you truly are a star.. you may get far. well done xxx KEEP IT UP!
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I liked the letter style format you had it penned in. At least it read that way. And as I read it, I imagined someone off at sea or war and they were getting this letter.
Very well written
It was great
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Firstly...
thankyou ever so much for your comment on my poem, 'The Effect of Psychoactivity'. It's the one that starts, "No. I. Didn't."
I am so grateful for the very generous feedback you left, and also for the constructive criticism which I feel I perhaps don't recieve often enough. I'm working on the form of the poem today, taking what you said on board.
Now then, down to the important stuff...
this piece is quite wonderful in that it paints such a pleasant picture in my head, so calm and serene - and yet - with underlying menace that brings us back to the idea that there is something else, quite enigmatic but ultimately dangerous "But stow quickly feelings when gun thunder rolls."
In fact, the whole piece is enigmatic... we understand the obvious themes; war, peace, corruption and surviving corruption... but there is something else that we can't quite grasp, something you haven't told us, but this is great - it makes us want to keep reading until the end of the peace and then leaves us thinking about it long after. Maybe this was the desired effect
Beautifully worded and thought provoking,
Jess x
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I agree with you on the ending. If you could end it with the same pattern as the other stanzas I think that would be great. It's really nice to stumble upon another rhymer and I like the scheme you have here.
This reminded me of old Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland movies.
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An interesting, unfinished piece ... I'm quite amaze how this just came off the top of your head, but I'm sure one such as you can turn it into an amazing poetic story of love and wonder which I can feel through each line.
Maybe though, as a suggestion, the last line can end with a comma for it seems there's something more from that raging dispute that needs to be put to rest? I really don't have a good enough suggestion and a strong backing for it. I'm sure, as I've said, you can definitely come up with something.
G.
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