We turn
A glance
We churn
A chance
A smile
We touch
A frown
Too much
We brush
The kiss
We flush
The bliss
Tonight
The strain
Excite
The pain
Smothered
We part
Another
We start
A contest entry
- I shouldn't love you; But I want to. by splinteroflight..
550 points, ended November 14, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Did the ending fall apart?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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what?!!
this poem was really really gud! u have a great way of rhyming words together i'm jealous!
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lol
Don't be jealous, we're all poets here. But thank you, that's very flattering.
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There is a vivid simplicity about this that is tantamount to a poetic kick in the face.
You might think about changing "We flush" to something along the lines of "We blush." This is just a suggestion. The image of two people flushing a toilet was really hard to get out of my mind. I know the word has other uses, but the effect was humorous when I think you wanted more of an impassioned seriousness.
Blessings,
C
ps-great stuff!!!
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I thought about your suggestion while writing this. I'm hesitant to change it because I don't want to rhyme "brush" with "blush". Tongue-twister. It messes me up when I read it. But now that I have your insight on this, I think it might be better to do it that way.
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It does make it a bit twisty. Even though "blush" would work, don't be afraid to look for option C...which is...I don't know, but there may be something else out there we haven't thought of yet!
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Yeah, 'b's and 'l's don't mix. Brush, blush, bliss . . . eh, my jaw hurts. Bleh, try saying that three times fast. I think I'm going to leave it, but if you do think of an option C, don't hesitate to let me know!
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Wow
I absolutely love this!
It's amazing!
It's so short&sharp, the effect is immense
The rhyme adds to the effect of the poem, overall I think it's incredible;
"We turn
A glance
We churn
A chance"
This is the perfect opening to the poem, my using "A chance" and ending with "We start", it tells a story in the most intense way.
Good luck in the contest
<3<3<3 -
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Soft and sharp, I like that. My main focus was to keep an intense kind of speed on it all, but some parts of it were meant to be, ah, "soft," like the opening and the kiss.
You wish me luck in your own contest? All right, that works.
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