i can feel sadness
in the tip of your elbows
as though
you were a kite
that will never fly again
in the solitary breeze
of new mexico
clutching straws
that felt like
grandmother's veins
outside in the wind
where she breathed
so hard
her nostrils
would shake out
loose ashes
before
the sunshine
reclaimed her body
but you gave up
breathing
when you realised
the harm it did
and tore the wings
off a sparrow
planting the sound
of it's death
inside your pocket
longing for the day
all your wrinkles
are buried
under oak trees
bending
within the sunlight
releasing
the sound
of what it feels like
to not breathe
anymore.
Author notes
-this was so hard to write, over six pages of notes and constant alterations, i cut out a whole load of images & ideas, which i will probably recycle somewhere down the line, after all, nearly all of my latest works have been venturing around the same idea.
i know, this is nowhere near as good as other recent items, but i didn't want this one to just go astray & uncompleted like most.
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- we withold the right to comment freely and be honest with writers work and whatever critique that may be conveyed is merely there to develop & improve the writer.
I, red violence up agree that I have read these terms of use and will hereby abide by the law.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: as unexpected as you [preliminary round] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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You are going to be one of the front-runners in the contest. I'm looking forward to the challenge you will be giving me. You'll be tough to beat! Congrulations on your silver.
& for the poem...I'm just going to echo what everyone else has said.
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Yes
Your imagery astonishes me. -
yes.
Wait for the other judge. -
I first discovered you when I saw a comment by you from the atlantic...and like Meg said, impact-wise, you remind me of him.
New Mexico...
jesus, I almost forgot that American state the last time I tried to list them all (so, yesterday. LMAO).
"clutching straws
that felt like
grandmother's veins
outside in the wind"
Freaking amazing stanza...it has your trademark "sofuckinggood" all over it; I love the flow and the line breaks and the simile..."like/grandmother's veins" DAMN.
"the sunshine
reclaimed her body"
I ♥ that thought. Beautiful use of 'reclaimed'
"it's death"==>its death...since it's not "it is death"...
'planting' <==Ohhh how awesome...and sad.
Planting the sound of death...but wow.
That last stanza = perfect
Jessica;
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yes, it's like a cycle of poems about breath. and time.
good.
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im not sure what to say. i dont feel this is any less amazing as your other entries and i still felt it thank you for sharing your brilliance!
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extraordinario
reminds me of: the atlantic. not in style similarity, per say. just extremely impact-ful imagery & concision.
meg
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You give yourself wayyyy too little credit for the thing you write, you know. I loved the first part since you showed me it and you're right - the stanzas will kill someone
[not in those words exactly]
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ohgoshohgosh.
what to say when i read something so titillating as this.!
i like the constant image of thin string-like objects throughout the piece. makes me think of the three greek fates, and the thread of life they hold for everyone.
yea,yea it's good.
helen~
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The first stanza blew me away.
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to be honest mike, this one i have preferred out of all the recnt work of yours i have read, here you seem to have a constant theme of image running thru. for me i just picked up on the lines you have here, the kites strings, the veins, the wrinkles. it all ties together for me.
then you've got that contradiction of images, at first you have the kite flying, then later down the wings are torn off, although disconnected one does seem to blend with the other, like the destruction of flight.
i have no real critique, i just thought i would tell yer what i liked about it.
lick me.
~Rembrandt
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read watercolours. my mike is the best
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ah yeah watercolours, i wasn't really counting that in the recent stuff i guess.
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you should have!
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woah assertive
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a kite
that will never fly again - that is surprisingly sad, it really hits
clutching straws
that felt like
grandmother's veins - disgustingly cool
gave up
breathing
when you realised
the harm it did - ace, just ace
tore the wings
off a sparrow - poor sparrow!!!
planting the sound
of it's death
inside your pocket - ack. sorry I'm just repeating your poem back to you, but I honestly don't know what else to do. Those line are just perfection.
I disagree with your author's note ;
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THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!
you kidding me, bloody modest you...
longing for the day
all your wrinkles
are buried
under oak trees
bending
within the sunlight
releasing
the sound
of what it feels like
to not breathe
anymore.
read them tell me how you feel, dolt.
i love this more than i loved you!
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then you must have loved it a whole lot then
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