We become translucent like chandeliers that form on the season's first winter's breath
Each exhalation apparent
yet, your words like hot chocolate;
flows warm and smooth through my soul
A contest entry
- first frost by AJ Morelli.
2700 points, ended December 7, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do any words sound awkward or unfitting in this poem?
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
-
this is really pretty...
i love the hot chocolate line
thanks for entering it here
al -
quite compelling with likenesses
your dazzling title leads to a simpler lightness as from a bee hive candle harvested, when heavier limbs are robust but small objects of fruition hold a carved out look of cold insulated and silhouetting details that could yet be lovely...
with too how vapor of life can feel caught or resemble steam of sunned tropical taste in full substance, as determined by which side of window pane or half of own world concentration's on
flowed like a fill that sounds as audience gathering then quiets for main story but it has to be connected! recommend worthy --
called Carolyn -
The imagery is captivating bringing feelings deep in me to the surface. The lonely destitude desolation of winters realization and the salvation of a companion making it possable to endure it . I love this write. Bill
-
love the warmth rising from the sweet cup of hot chocolate here...romantic pleasantries to a cold winter's day
-
Sensual take on the prompt...Loving the first line, which makes a tremendous opener "We become translucent like chandeliers".....Originality, tenderness and warmth exudes from your words, and creates a mood with the humanness of the souls you mention plus the backdrop of the scenery!
-
Lovely!!
The first line captured me..wonderful imagery.
"Words like hot chocolate" ...a unique and delicious thought.
Very creative, Well done.
-
Excellent Visuals
I could use some hot chocolate right now. lol
This is beautiful.
Joe
-
Well done, loving the imagery.
-
What a fabulous image you creative in that first line!
Fab write!
-
We become translucent like chandeliers that form on the season's first winter's breath
this alone gave me so many colorful images. well done. much love
-
I love the title, it fits so perfectly with the prompt.
Love the ending, I could feel the warmth in the last lines from your sincerity. Good stuff
-
i don't know what a chandelier is but i know one think this is a good poem, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
-
Well the spirit of Yeats lives deep within you...
so very much like his work.
A sweet fleeting thought....
it comes like a whisper...
then forgotten....
It's like you caught something.......
before it disappeared.
Stunning.
Bless you lass,
Lowell
-
-
You are so kind and beautiful ... thank you again for taking time to read some of my work ~
-
-
'translucent like chandeliers'...I love that image as a metaphor for frost.
-
Wow
Your first line captured me. What a great title and concept
"chandliers of our breath". Hot and cold...what a song!
-c
-
"We become translucent like chandeliers"...This was a great way to open this write. I enjoyed the simplicity of this piece and the sense of journey and freedom in it. It has very nice ("ivory fields" is a wonderful idea). Glad I clicked this piece.
AsIThink...
-
Lovely romantic write! I particularly loved the imagery of hot chocolate as I'm a sweet tooth!
-
This is so lovely and sweet!! So romantic and beautiful!! I truly love this piece!!! You did an amazing job!!!!!
-
sighs... now that's a poem. your words caressed my screen. very lovely.
-
Very nice, good contrasts and great imagery add up to an evocative and tender poem, told in a voice that is trusting and intimate. I very much like the 'chandeliers' with the echo of crystal patterns that lets me see rainbows in frost.
-
I enjoyed the tenderness and imagery in the poem....
per your author notes...and comments of below....
perhaps you need to add just a touch more adjectives/
simile's to reflect the chandelier's connection.
Lovely idea....the chandlier and first frost...just build
on it ...here and there, with your tender touches.
illuminated...perhaps in stead of translucent...
or move translucent..perhaps your last line is
your first? it's like your missing one sentence
that connects them all together.
I want to encourage you to invest a little more
time in this poem....because it has a lovely
imagery and voice to it.
ears/Seattle
Thankyou for sharing it with us!
-
-
Yes...that is what I've been thinking...it's missing a line in there that connect the two...thanks for your suggestion ...i think i will try to move that line up and see what i can do. thanks again
-
-
The word "sip" doesn't fit with the emotion, I think. Like, his/her words are being taken in with the enjoyment that hot chocolate rolling down your throat brings.
But I do like how the first and last stanza are stuck together. Fragile, but still together.
Like a chandelier?
-
-
hmmm...how bout cup...i think your right in it doesn't flow with the rest of the poem...i like cup better. Thanks for your suggestion ~
-
-
this is an evocative poem - gives that first frost/snow kind of feeling. Thank you for commenting on my work but I have to ask you not to add anymore moving clappies - they make me ill.
-
This is truly very beautiful!! You did such a very lovely job portraying this piece!! I love it!!
-
nice write
keep up the great work!! i agree wit everyone below lol
-
very vivid and enchanting.
i love it. -
Very symbolic and metaphorical! Bravo!
Just one thing to point out: the word blanket should have an "s" on it due to the singular nature of the word Presence
Other than that..great write!
ASM
AKA Raymond
-
-
Thank you for the heads up
-
-
Love the idea of using a chandelier to capture ice , Nice write
-
i really like the chandelier image..lovely way to describe ice crystals
maybe tighten up the first 2 stanzas
and i can't help be see the last stanza like this:
We are translucent
like chandeliers that form
on season's first winter breath
love, love the chandeliers !
-
I immensely enjoyed this short lovely and pithy poem! It is really quite excellent in every regard! (I have one question: line 4--“blankets” instead of “blanket”?) bravo… a fine write!!
-
Nice. I like how you used imagry (sp?) in the line 'we sit among ivory fields'. The end also conjurs the whole story, even though its a short poem. Very nicely written.
Adding your comment:
1 - 35 of 35
