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Hell

Im stuck underground, all I hear is my heavy breath
I've been trapped down here ever since my death

My soul lays in darkness for there is no sun
My soul?...I wonder if I even have one

This dark hellish fire burns all around me
The smoke ever blinding that I cannot see

Evil is everywhere, theres no place to run
Why do i deserve this, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

No one can hear me, no matter how loud I yell
This is my punishment, all alone, trapped in hell!

A contest entry

what do you think?

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • alone4ever
    November 20
    ?
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    I like it... a simple and to point poem about hell and dieing and being stuck in it and can't get out... good job n good luck in this contest


  • Paloszoo gold member
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hi. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I’ve decided to use a slightly edited version of my friend Arkbear’s grading scoreboard to help me judge this contest. I hope he doesn’t mind. It’ll aid me in organizing my thoughts and judging fairly versus randomly. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Writers with the highest possible points out of 80 will obviously win

    Title Appeal: 9.5 – Dramatic. Short and to the point. I’d probably click on this just to see what you have to say.
    Poem Flow: 8.5 – All caps at the beginning of each line and sporadic/improper punctuation made for a pretty choppy read. Meter is pretty good. You’ll want to revise this for a smoother read
    Depth: 8.95 – Powerful words, leaving somewhat of an impact.
    Emotional Impact: 8.25 – I’m not sure why, but I just couldn’t connect with this piece. I’m sorry.
    Spelling and Grammar: 10 – YAY!
    Punctuation and Caps: 6.75 – You’ve capped every line, which is unnecessary. Also, consider uncapping “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” Additionally, you’ve left off end line punctuation and your internal punctuation is questionable or missing. Proper punctuation, IMO, is soooo important to the power and impact of a poem. Punctuation pauses and stops the reader at the appropriate places so that he/she can reflect on your thoughts and absorb them….connect with them. Again, my opinion.
    Presentation: 9 – Nice job!
    Personal Appeal: 9 – A great write overall! Thanks!

    My score: 69.95/80.00


  • Toxic Stardust
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    this is a good poem...it's short...but I like it...I hope you don't really feel this way though, but if you do, just remember there is always a way out...
    Good Luck!
    Alicia Lynn


  • psychomonkey
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    very sad, i feel that i can relate to this in some ways. Thank you for entering


  • Vanillakilling
    February 4

    Edit | Reply
    Very, very well done!

    You took the words right out of my mouth.

    Thank you for entering and good luck!


  • The Fun House silver member
    December 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poems is very nicely done. The flow is good the rhyme not too forced and the imagery solid. As for your prompt word since it is not in the title; would be what? Hellish? Just checking. Thanks.


  • BleedingBlackTears
    November 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    fantastic and honest well done


  • LilEmoPrincess
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love this poem i love the emotion behined it. if u havent allready you should considerd joing the group Emotions.
    very nice poem.


  • Hikari Lady
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow!! I love your rythme and the power of this poem, the flow is perfect and so is the theme wonderful. I enjoyed it very, very much.
    keep it up and best of luck in the contest!

    ~Noor

1 - 9 of 9