1.
calcified prophets
were hanging upside down
from a swinging bridge
while attempting to skip stones
across brindle colored quicksands of mortality.
SPLASH!
2.
apologies
collapsed upon themselves
despite
the styrofoam supports
crinkling
under the weight.
SNAP !
3. she pierced her breast
with a corroded crucifix
and wept for caught fish
magi cured her staph(ff) infection
(the sound of metal piercing the skin imagined (spoke) REALLY LOUD!)
4.
obscure obstacles
heavy as fiend fog
crash
fragile intentions
SHATTER!
Author notes
should i lose the sound words at end of each?
works spoken but as so written
A contest entry
- STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: by exceptforthis.
550 points, ended November 23, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
i would definitely say to get rid of the sound words at the end of each stanza, as they detract from your wonderful images (calcified prophets, "brindle coloured sands of mortality", wept for caught fish, etc.) i find it puts way too much focus on these rather superfluous words rather than the ones with real meaning. i think even your brackets are unnecessary, they should be used very sparingly in poetry, i find. nonetheless, it is obvious you have real talent with your images and metaphor. thanks for your entry and good luck!
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excellent subject matter, take a beer to this one
leave it alone.
don't second guess
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Well since you asked I would lose the last line oneach stanza....Those "sounds" leap readily to mind from your words without additives!! You are brilliant and your word choices are always just delightful!!
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kind of curious, but that is what i like about this poem, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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