I watch the rain all through the night,
The window only inches from my face,
Lightning strikes with a vengance,
as I watch the droplets race,
I can't help but marvel at the sight.
I have to keep my head straight,
the storm is where it begins,
a secret within this cloud remains,
my reflection in the window grins,
i don't have much longer to wait.
the sun kisses the moist earth,
it is time to start the chase,
the morning air has a welcoming taste,
all the warmth rushes to my face,
all is going as i had planned.
eyes fixed on a single ribbon strand,
floating in the sky gracefully,
my feet take off valiently,
following the colors carefully,
i can almost feel the victory at hand.
soon I reach the end of the track,
my heart give a glorious leap,
we are only separated by feet,
a black pot over wide and over deep,
and I peer inside and see... black.
I found a note inside,
it said, "Sorry, try again."
Author notes
I'm actually very proud of the fact that I wrote a poem that isn't about love...
A contest entry
- Under the rainbow by trekkergirl.
900 points, ended November 26, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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All I can say is...
....that if this won bronze, there must have only been three entries!
That comment wasn't meant to offend, though it probably will ; the fact is that this poem which the last critiquer describes as " structurally solid and the rhyme scheme works" is actually a disgrace!
In verse 3, you suddenly discard the rhyme scheme - then go back to it! WHY?
Is verse 3 structurally solid, or is your last critiquer either blind ; or sycophantic?
The piece is also littered with grammatical and spelling mistakes.
Sorry, but I disagree with the others.
This poem is less than mediocre IMO.
Regards,
Robin.
PS Did you also misspell your username ; should it be Insanelypoetic? -
good
Well, the structure is solid and the rhyme scheme works, the farmat's fine... but I think atticus has a point about "telling." You describe what's going on more than create an experience for the reader.
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Great rhyme scheme,
But broken in stanza three,
But other than that this poem,
Was written beautifuly.
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Pleasant
I thought the beginning was very nice. I wish you would have included some imagery from the point when you leave the window until you reach the end of the track. I was a bit confused about where the running was happening (inside v. outside, etc.). I would also suggest adding hyphens to over-wide and over-deep, but that's just being nit-picky.
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The similes in the beginning of the second stanza could have been constructed as metaphorical instead, in order to cut down the "telling" vibe of the overall poem.
Other then that, it could use a little condensing. -
Hey this made me giggle. I mean I can actually see that happening to me. Just my luck. Someone moved the pot before I got there. Shhh. Good write. Pleasantly funny read. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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