You spun the trigger of fragile dreams
making freedoms and monsters real in
this web of darkness covered the light
like a blanket of moonlighted dolls
dancing to the music of shallow graves.
Blinded between earth and sky, seeing
the latest red of love grow into water
for the doves and drowning in an endless
sea of lust, for the woman who is cold
as frost but beautiful like a tree transforming
from death to new life in a winter land full
of oddities and weird charms.
Empty wishes that never came true, beckons
a slave never to be free, of misfortunes untold,
stories and magic long forgotten, yearning
for that day when flowers in windows appear.
Hoping for the day when colors drip off in a
watercolor basket of glossiness and new love,
forever yearning for a woman who's skin is frost,
who is as cold and charming like a snake who is ready
to strike at any moment, to set her free of this
less than holy future.
Author notes
Picture Credit: Madeline von Foerster: Metamorphosis #6
This is the second round of the contest, picture prompt.
A contest entry
- November Rounds #2 by CitrineSunrise.
700 points, ended December 11, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
This poem has interesting imagery, and I like your interpretation of the picture prompt. I thought there were two things that kept it from being a stellar poem. The first was the repetition of language and image. For example: L.9 "cold as frost" and L. 19 "skin is frost". Also L.15 "yearning" and L. 19 also "yearning". The second was the pacing. While enjambment works well in some poems, I think you would have been better served by having more line breaks, particularly after commas. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
-
-
hey thank you for the comment on my poem, I love constructive criticism, it only helps me to grow, and sometimes I don't realize I repeat the same lines until I look it over and then see where your coming from. Thank you for the comment though, especially the constructive criticism.
-
-
wow
This is very well written and something that make one really think. Could go several ways, but that is what makes it so good. Good luck in the contest! The Shaker
Adding your comment:
