Drawn from the dark by the fires
Of passions bred to burn ever higher
At night they possess and demolish
Tonight is when we will abolish
The sacrament of the holy
In thick black columns it rises
The motives of a self serving power
Inhibitions are removed from the minds
Of the masses in a liberating fashion
The bigotry of nations
The malignant creation
Buried in a grave
Marked "Salvation"
The book of lies
Democracy's demise
Laid to rest
Buried and despised
Open your eyes to see
A force consisting of you and me
More powerful, and now freed
From the chains of hypocrisy and greed
In our hands lie stone tablets
From which we shall structure
Of bare, clean slate
The foundations of a new culture
Author notes
Gast Veihgan Du Maunkur
A contest entry
- 3000 Points For Gold, Rewrite A Famous Historical Lie!!!! by Fenrir Rising.
3100 points, ended November 21, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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the scale of this work is pretty large ... it takes in many strands of thought. however, what struck me is how the first and stanza are linked ... through the power of individuals and their faith in each other, another variant of " the sacrament of the holy" can be achieved within, not put upon from without.
good write.
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Deep, I love it, nice slick rhyming and you use your words in a way which cungers up a very powerful visual image.
splendiferous, keep up the good work
Amy x
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There is quite a powerful bit right here: "Tonight is when we will abolish
The sacrament of the holy" Very simple, clear and powerful statement. There is one thing here that I am not sure of, which is "In thick black columns it rises
The motives of a self serving power". If you write it rises, motives ought to be changed to motive, or it rises can be changed to they rise. Otherwise, that part doesn't make sense. There is a lot of truth in this poem, and a lot of spirit as well. In the name of progress and the burial of lies, I applaud you.
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"Thick black columns" describes smoke, from the metaphorical burning, or destruction, of religious ideals. In "In thick black columns it rises", "it" is the smoke, since that is metaphorically what the ideals are being reduced to. This is the reason that I chose to use "motives", since there are many and the smoke is singular.
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Oh, I read it wrong because there is no punctuation, so it didn't seem to make sense grammatically. My bad.
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Congrats on the tin, this was worth it, raw and biting, a great job!
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I use to write poetry like this, not anymore, but at one point I did. When you do, a clear objective as to why you're writing it should be there. Are you writing it to scare us, are you writing it to see a point? To me it's kind of both. If you think about that more, a clearer cut version of this poem may come out. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing! A wonderful write!
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Thanks for the comment, but is this version not clear enough?
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Keep in mind, this is only my opinion, but your view of the poem seems kinda stretched. You seem to, instead of focusing on one vision for the poem, you kind of stretch that vision into a couple of different topics.
The ones that pop out to me are:
Political
Religious
or just for the sake of being dark
I may be entirely wrong, though. You could be going towards a little more general view that covers these...or I'm just wrong....
I'm just trying to give you a little insight...the poem is great! It really is, but it does seem a little weak and I'm trying to show you why I think so.
~Chelsey~ -
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Thank you for the comment. This kind of criticism is greatly appreciated as it helps identify possible flaws in my work as well as gives me insight into what others obtain from my poetry.
The topic is religion in government and religion as government, and just religion's control over people in general. This vision, which I thought to be obvious but may not be, is of man doing away with religion's control. It is written in a very dramatic manner, and in a lyrical format. I certainly don't write merely for the sake of being dark, though I try to influence the reader's emotions on a level that coincides with the message, which in this case is dark.
I agree that it may seem a little weak. But I think that if you have a deeper understanding of the many underlying messages in this, it would seem much stronger.
Thanks a lot. I'll consider your ideas for revision.
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i wouldn't rewrite it
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This is a powerful poem. I liked the part where you marked the grave with "Salvation". This is an excellant work...Props!
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This does read like song lyrics - I can almost hear the music. Gems abound. 'Buried in a grave Marked "Salvation"' and "Democracy's demise Laid to rest Buried and despised" are as quotable as they are chilling in their fearsome truthfulness. Keep kicking ass and good luck in the contest ;-)
Dw
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Awesome write
Such raw emotions you've painted here, so this is the standard we all should be aiming for, Well I think it will be a hard one to better. Good luck in the contest even though you probably don't need it.
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ps...to anyone from my contest reading this, this is a perfect example of something that i might be looking for, maybe...in this contest
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Amazing
This has an amazing amount of emotion behind it and its spoken so profesionally. It felt like i was reading lyrics written by Dave Mustien, it has the same rythym to me as Megadeth or an early Metallica, only much more clean and powerful. Amazing job and you have an amazing talent, this is a perfect start to this contest and i hope the other contestants put this much work into there entries
Great job!!!!
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