yea, it's fine, it's okay....

I drown over the mundane order of milk, bread, eggs...
all the ordinary things, and I stand there as it is ordianry and I watch as the little boy tugs at his mother's shirt. I hear him whisper (not so quietly as children do) "Is that a boy or a girl mommy?"

All my organs sunk and I could feel an aching feeling raiseing from my chest through my neck. I was not going to cry here, I couldn't even let anyone known I heard it, its too embarressing. I felt like Jess in that book "Stone Butch Blues" I felt like her, pained by a simple thing.

Of course, this was just a memory, a memory of things that have past, things that shouldn't matter. I recall a moment in my drive way with the only guy I've ever loved. I recall the only moment I doubted him being in my life: "You'd look sexier if you shaved your head, lesbeins are hott, you'd look like a lesbien."

And I felt that same feeling of all my organs dropping down, down towards the ground. My face got hot, and I tried to brush it off. As he kissed my neck I thought, why am I letting him touch me, why am I just letting something like this slide.

I open my heart to the air, to the cool mist of the evening. Present Day. No one in my life to kiss away the pains of the little things. No short hair cut or boyish tendencies.. not obvious ones anyways. My hair still smells of mangos and my hands still smell of dried paint.

I am not being deminished in any sort of way. I am not caring about the little things, but I am not brushing off the moments that made a difference in making me feel like less of a person. I am not Jess, I am not a lesbein, I am not some person who can be bossed around. I don't fit into a category. I am me.

A few feet to my right is my room mate, I'm not jealous of her, but a part of me looks up to things she has that I don't. I wonder if anyone has felt that way about things that I have. I doubt it, but then again, its only been a day since I started getting over this lack of ego I have.

Oh by the way, all those things you said that I've let go, it's not okay.