a new branch of anguish
a fresh row of scars
will sheild my heart
tattered and marred
u left me blackened
and oh so blue
and new shade of pain
an unknown hue
so heartless and cruel
a demon in disguise
so soft and pure
behind ur false eyes
goodbye my love
i hope when you see
the blood stained tile
you will remember me
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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yea this poem actually was taken off my cell phone cuz i sent to a girl off the top of my head as a txt and i was in hurry to post it cuz i was in the military and had to get back to work so i didnt change the u and ur stuff
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i love the imagery of the first two stanzas; anguish and scars used as shield rather than something to be avoided.
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I really like the last stanza. It really shows the hurt and even a hint of contempt that you have. I can really relate and I like this alot! I also like your use of opposites with heartless and cruel and then soft and pure. That really shows the confusion that is there.
Although I really like it the way it is, perhaps see if you can rhyme it? The rhythmic structure is very good and I wouldn't want the integrity of the piece to be diminished, but it would be nice if it rhymed.
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I really couldn't get through the rest of this poem when I saw your casual use of "u" and "ur". Not only that, but you also need to check your spelling in a few places. Also, not capitalizing words can be used as a form, but it needs to be used correctly. Other than that, this poem is very simplistic, and because of that, I don't really think you got across the message you wanted. You need something fresh, something more than just a simple description of what happens. The simple two line stanzas could work, but not with the simplistic word choices used. Overall, this poem needs a lot of work, but I think you can do it if you put more effort into it.
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decent poem
-just alter the portions, "ur" to your
and "u" to you.
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