Empty frozen faces
Hands dripping in crimson life
Reload! Reload!
Are you ready?
Fear immobilizes these bones
At such a sight
Waves of a questionable enemy
Sweeping over the plains
Put an ear to the kneaded dirt
Hear Pending footsteps; fear, pride
Men so young and old
Not a thought in their mind anymore
Quick, now hark to the command
Soiled tears, sweep them away
Feet digging to the growing graves
Run
Hold true to your colors!
Musket held forth
Smoke like a fishnet
Catching you
Pride rips through
Sawing the net in desperate attempts
Tight southern pride
Is stronger than such obstacles
Seceede not!
Why, we are our own
With growing violence and standing ground
We will prove this point
But oh Is the end near?
Hear your lady's Whisper-
No my dear.
Author notes
This is a poem on the Civil War for my boyfriend who is reenactor. I'm trying to make it it's best.
PLEASE critique this harshly. I need it polished to it's best.
Comments
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okay.. uhh criticism.. well I suppose that one line does seem unfinished.
'A gasping jaw drop' this line doesn't seem finished, and I think it doesn't fit unless it is finished.
I think that you should read the poem out loud and see if you think that something fits or doesn't fit, and then go from there.
Your poem is really quite interesting and it is maybe one of the best Civil War poems I have read. It has a different style that it has been written, so it is creative.. it also is very descriptive and creates vivid imagery. I like how you haven't overdone the lines or made any of them seem cliche.
I say well done
-FM
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