I whisper faithful songs
to fight claws of despair.
My insides like torn blinds
open to the endless night
Bear eyes gleam callow
through chunky slits of split flesh
I sew madly with my needle
but the claws need only swipe.
Heart pumps black ink,
I make a poem with the excess.
I may be a prisoner to this sadness,
but hope still flashes.
Every tenth beat pumps brilliant red
Thunder gathers static in the darkness
I close bruised eyes
and dream of deliverance
Author notes
Can someone help me make line 2 fit please?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
Heart pumps black ink,
I make a poem with the excess.
Great images you have penned. Dispare at its finest, if i can say that? Really enjoyed this!!!
~Kimberly~
-
Powerful and vivid
Love your word choices, your style kind of reminds me of Sylvia Plath, one of my favorites.
"I sew madly with my needle, but the claws need only swipe," one of the best lines showing utter vulnerability
and defenselessness. Good work
-
Heart pumps black ink,
I make a poem with the excess.
i absolutely adore those two lines and as for line two, i like it how it is. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
-
hmmmmmm Interesting write....
-
Excellent write. I especially like and understand, I may be a prisoner to this sadness,
but hope still flashes. ...not many people understand this. Breathtaking!
-
Wow. It just goes to show the numerous people who are "Captive" within themselves. Nicely done. I outstretch my hands to people like that, and try to bring them to the brighter side of life
You did a wonderful job at Capturing the imagery within this concept. Bravo
ASM
AKA Raymond -
"every tenth beat pumps brilliant red"
love it!
first stanza seems a bit odd to me.. perhaps if you shortened the first two lines or lengthened the other two... it seems unbalanced as it is.
maybe because i unconsciously process the first two lines as a sort of iambic tetrameter... and then the next ones don't match so i get confused.
anyways, it gets progressively better as it goes on. enjoyed reading
-
-
Thank you dissonance for pointing that out! I think i fixed it. Does it work better now? I welcome constructive criticism.
-
-
yes it flows much better now
good job!
-
-
-
Much better
Yes this expresses the plight with out diminishing the pain but the tone now carries towards the hopeful. I still find the first stanza a little awkward.
I might try:
I whisper words of faithful songs
to fight the claws of hopelessness.
My insides like torn blinds
vulnerable to the endless night
I try to avoid mid line punctuation if possible.
-
-
Thank you Jim, I think its looking much better now too. I appreciate you helping me fix it up. I love constructive criticism and sometimes it can be hard to find the right help
-
-
Suggestion
but I know there will be deliverance.
Try:
but I yearn for deliverance.
-
Hopeful
I like the imagery and metaphors, some too cleaver for my feeble mind. I think I might appreciate an ending that is more hopeful than assured. The body is so mornful that to just dismiss its effects and profess deliverance might be a realistic stretch. Thanks for the thoughts and words.
-
-
Boilerjim,
You have a point, but I'm going to have to think fpr a bit about what would work better there. Any ideas? Thanks for reading and commenting
-
-
wow. Ms 957, what a wonderfully vivid poem. You sit silent for long period then jump out to shock up with pure delight. ---- Hope all is well in your world.
-
-
Thanks for reading Wattle. Its been a long time! How have you been?
-
-
I like how your words are detailed enough to give an image of despair and ending it with the glimmer of hope.
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
