I was lost and in rush
I reached out and he would “show me the way”
Next moment push, thrust, alone.
Time stopped yet it went for so long.
I fell down then I crawled.
A nearby garage to huddle.
My stomach then emptied
Where was I? I couldn’t feel the ground
I must have stood up
Reached where I was supposed to be.
I walked through doors, up a lift, into my ward.
“You look like shit Bec”
“Yeah just a bit tired!”
I was bleeding and sore, physical feeling coming back.
Handover began, the day now is lost.
Got home at midnight, everything looks familiar.
But I’m floating, not feeling.
A shower. More blood. So dirty.
So dirty. I can feel everything but I’m numb.
Where am I? So dirty.
I’m terrified of sleep. Caffeine provides solace.
Next day. My secret. Don’t tell.
My head becomes clear. Reality sets in.
Don’t tell anyone they won’t understand.
My secret.
Days later it’s harder.
Booze and work can’t mix.
The bruises remind me, there’s no escape.
I need someone, I ring someone.
I come there and I cry.
I become hysterical. I’m lost. Where am I?
Work continues, I have to walk by There each day.
I cross the road, focus on others.
Can they tell I’m so dirty, so dazed?
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I retch but I smile.
The muscles on my face starting hurting
But I have to continue to smile.
I must be an easy target.
It will happen again. I know it.
I can feel the hand still,
The thrusts and the gasps.
It’s happening in my mind
Again and again he intrudes.
One night so exhausted.
Alone, scared, confused.
The loneliness consumes me
A bottle of Vodka will fix it
Throw in some of the white powder
200g/2mL will aid it too.
Then I sleep.
I stay in my room 3 days, alone.
Don’t eat, can’t drink, my stomach just ejects.
A friend rings me
“Where are you?”
“Just tired and busy”
“It’s Saturday, I will pick you up”
In her house I enter
Man on TV has the same beard
Someone starts crying
My chest is hurting
Why am I being held
Fuck she will get dirty
Fuck it’s me crying. I never cry.
Now I’ve lost it.
The tears empty my being, my chest.
Now becomes healing, my souls starts feeling.
But this healing body
Will always show evidence of its brokenness.
Author notes
'Color me Shutter-Tone Deaf' option 3
A contest entry
- MY ABSTRACT HELL...... by jcat.
2000 points, ended November 14, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just in Time For October by realism-vs-romance.
525 points, ended November 13, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Muse of an Ember Sketch by PaintedParisPassion.
700 points, ended February 17, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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A powerful write full of incredibly raw emotion and vivid imagery, which I could relate to. Very courageous! Great job. Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you share your work here. Good luck!
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Yeah its a personal write. and thankyou
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This was just intense!! After I felt like I needed the shower!! My heart aches for anyone who actually will live through this!!! Your wrote it in a very powerful way which leads me to wonder if perhaps it is a personal write? Very well done either way and thank you for your entry and your patience while I commented
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This is very sad, yet it still shows just how real rape can be, especially for a victim. Amazing write, btw!
Good luck in the contest!
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this is not the worst, but it is the worst that i have been able to put into words. i dont know if its what you were looking for...but anyway
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