'twas a frightful night,
on a cold Autumn's eve;
the veil between death and life was removed.
Even the full-moon,
tried to hide behind thick clouds.
Darkness on a rampage,
hovering city streets;
seeking revenge upon everybody.
Walls of unfaithful sanctum sanctorums,
crumble to dust.
Vines once established,
now withered with rotten fruit;
trees no longer producing sweet nectar,
leaks blood from its branches.
Toads and roaches,
spew deadly disease;
even upon the dead,
keeping them that way.
Plague without cure,
wiping slate clean.
Hanging trees and stained crosses,
used to start the fire;
where nothing will be left;
or remembered.
Night and Day have become wed.
"So mote it be",
were the last words said.
Death's fragrance slowly dissipates;
Earth's off its axis.
Author notes
Option 1
A contest entry
- "Come to The Darkside.... We Have Cookies!" :D by Werewolf Avarus.
700 points, ended December 2, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites, come and get them by Ryno.
638 points, ended November 24, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
GIVE ME YOUR HONEST REACTION
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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When I read this, my first impression was that it was very intense and had strong, descriptive imagery -
then, as I got to read more into I felt more and more of the emotion you put into it through this dead city...
this dead world.
I really loved the idea behind this and thought you did a great job with it.
A suggestion would be to work on your linebreaking. Remember; it is used to add emphasis on certain parts or to break up certain sections - not just every time you put in a puncutation mark or finish a statement - I think you could use it to put more emphasis on parts.
Besides that, well written and well enjoyed, for sure! -
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I have edited this work since your last comment and would appreciate a new look. Curious to see if it adds to the impact of the poem.
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It does add to the impact due to the sections of the poem - when it breaks into the next line it adds extra emphasis to wherever the breaks was, it seperates thoughts and images from one another too.
You may want to break it into a couple stanzas, but this is more a personal taste of mine. I find stanzas help seperate different parts of the piece and organize it more.
Nice revision.
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A very expressive and descriptive write, well written and good use of title. Thank you for the entry.
'Wolf
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feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
Excellent
Very creative and so well expressed. A terrific write. Best of luck in the contest.
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I thought this was a really cool poem. It is on the edge and creepy. I hope you do well in this contest. It is different from what you usually write but that's okay. It gives you a chance to break out.
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Not my usual but, I couldn't pass on the delicious invitation. The offering was of cookies
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