Your idle tongue chatters on relentlessly about everlasting love.
Infatuation with a pinch of lust is how you define it.
It's a hardcore musical, as you sing && scream the hate out of your lungs for every imagined wrongful death of your lies.
You still owe me a song, baby.
The one about how I'm perfect && how we were meant to be.
Make it beautiful, twist around my words to make me the villian.
Make it firey && make it bitter, like Chicago on fire in mid December.
Snow falling && icicles cracking && shattering the scorched limbs.
I want to smell the desperation on you.
The desperation while you're on your search for someone exactly like me.
Exactly like me, but without all the baggage, without all your baggage.
The truth of the matter is you.
You, well you never felt like home, baby.
You felt more like a cheap motel, where the rates are by the hour && murders often occur.
A contest entry
- ~Give me your BEST Prewrites~ by Bean Sidhe.
1000 points, ended November 14, 2008, 46 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1014 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hate by ApathysEnemy.
650 points, ended November 22, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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this was very well-written. I feel the hate and I liked the style a lot too.
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Wow, this was relatively short and to the point, but you put in [so] much imagery, and metaphors - but they all made sense at the same time. And, also, very uniquely put - like the image of Chicago on fire in mid December. All these little details came together to make this so much more the stronger - and very impacting.
One small correction; "Exactly like me, but without all the bagage, without all your bagage." Baggage has three g's in it xD
This is probably just me, but I think you could format it differently, to make it easier to read - and more attractive to the eye. Maybe soemthing like this;
Your idle tongue chatters on relentlessly about Everlasting love.
Infatuation with a pinch of lust is
How you define it.
It's a hardcore musical, as you sing && scream the hate out of your lungs forever imagined wrongful death of your lies.
You still owe me a song, baby.
The one about how I'm perfect &&
How we were meant to be.
Make it beautiful, twist around my words
To make me the villian. [villain, I think!]
Make it firey && make it bitter, like Chicago on fire in mid December. <-- firey & fire. sort of repetition, maybe replace the first firey with soething else?
"Make it ravaging, && make it bitter, like
Chicago on fire in mid December" perhaps?
You get the idea! Thanks so much for entering this, it was - so wonderfully written
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Oh, I really, really like this one! I like the tinge of dirty pretty but I must admit that you have got to spell check! There were a couple of major mispellings (like baggage) but the ending is just killer.
Fix up the spelling issues & this is definitely worth the read!
Ugh. The end. So damn good -
I love this.
The truth of the matter is you.
You, well you never felt like home, baby.
You felt more like a cheap motel, where the rates are by the hour && murders often occur.
amazing.
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i love this one . thank you so much for sharing
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This is fantastic, your writing skills definitely invoke envy!
oh but in the 4th line it says "wrogful" instead of wrongful?
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