I know our end is near.
You don't need to worry,
I will be right by your side the whole way.
If you don't know,
we have been hit by a drunk driver.
It is funny how,
some parents teach their kids,
not to drink and drive,
and some choose not to.
Because this person did not get taught,
we are leaving this world today.
At least we are going together,
so we wont be far away.
I wish I could tell mom not to worry,
we will both be together,
I would tell her,
we both loved her deeply.
You can thank that drunk driver,
and tell him to learn,
that it is bad to drink and drive.
We will leave this world in peace,
knowing we will be together.
When our time come tonight,
you can fly away with me,
to heaven's gates.
Author notes
Option #2-
"Fly Away With Me"
A contest entry
- Not sure a title! But come anyway! by Lost in a Dreamstar.
448 points, ended November 25, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 1000 points, 1000 pws by Shadow Anonymised.
1000 points, ended November 23, 1039 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I have lost love ones to this.
Who ever said
time heals all wounds
doesn't know what the hell
they are talking about.
Like a cork screw to my heart.
Blessings,
Lowell poe -
First and foremost, any piece entered into a contest should be thoroughly spell checked! I'm also a bit of a stickler for grammar.
I like the premise of this piece and thought that the idea showed great promise but I would have liked you to infuse more emotion into it. Make me, as your reader, identify with the victims rather that just think "oh, that's sad" or "drunk driving is wrong".
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The title is great and there's a good message behind.I liked it ,but i think that more metaphor would make it more emotional . Anyway it's a good piece in general and nice style.Different from what I've read in here.Keep it up!
~Feb~
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The message was amazing. I liked how you included the fact that the victims were not alone during this like most were. Many people do not know the problems drunk driving causes. But alas, I must agree with JaycobKay in which this could of been alot better. Perhaps personify the victims a little more and amp up your word choicing. Metaphors and imagery are always wonderful things. But thank you for caring enough about the subject to write a poem on it. Many people, although unaware, are grateful.
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I thought this was good, but not as great as it could have been. I didn't feel a connection to the piece.
Perhaps you could add more metaphor
Rather than having it completely "thought poetry."
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I loved it! Great perspective on the phrase! Is this about your lover...your friend? who...and I think drunk driving is wrong too!
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I thought "sister"
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