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Child Behind Bars

"Please don't go...
Don't leave me here,
Alone, afraid,
With no one near

Author notes

Was originally for a 3 word competition. As it didn't place, I am editing it to turn it into a full blown poem.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • new light
    February 19
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    this is a great start! has a nice rhyme


  • Ryan79
    November 14, 2008

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    Great poem. Very touching even though it is so short. I love the picture that you put with it. It fits really well.


    • Symphony
      November 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Ooh, it's not even started let alone finished I just haven't managed to sit down and work at it yet


  • storiesuntold gold member
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So sad are our forgotten

    It breaks my heart when people refuse to bring their children up with love respect and dicipline and in time this is where they learn the ways of life with a more harsh hand and all alone . We must protect the children and teach them well as they grow up not wait untill they are in their teens feeling as thoughno one cares enough to make them mind and with a loving hand show them the way .For to ignore the child their safety and pains they end up with is the uncareing hands of the system .


  • Pete Greenslade gold member
    November 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    tear jerker good luck


  • Lavender Butterfly silver member
    November 10, 2008
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    Oh how sincerely sad... x


  • Painted Nails
    November 10, 2008

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    Very powerful and sad. This is very deep and emotional. I can really see where you are going with this piece. Well don!
    Sydney


  • smonte19124 gold member
    November 10, 2008

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    I understand the meaning behind the words and where you're going with the picture. Good luck in the contest. God Bless, Jo-Ann

  • mischivousmile
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Not sure

    What is it you're trying to convey? Is it really a child behind bars or is it a child left alone because someone has other things to do -so essentially the child is left "behind bars"?

    • Symphony
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Lol, I only entitled it Child Behind Bars, because it looks to me that that is what the image is - and I didn't know how else to title it without incorporating it into the poem, and thus making the poem longer - if you know what i mean. So I thought ok, if I say what the picture is in the title [ie, to me, a child behind bars] - and then explain what the child is saying to me ...

      Although the word choice is weak, I know that. Am eyeing it up now as I type, trying to decide how to strengthen it Thanks for the comment

      • mischivousmile
        November 10, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Oh..oops, missed the picture :) lol

        Your words are fabulous, but coupled with the title (and without the picture - I didn't read everything - oops) it made me wonder what I posted earlier. It definitely has potential!- without the picture - the words and the title definitely made me think/wonder.

        Good luck!

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