Bereft of order;
keening towards the deluge
of sovereign insobriety—
we spin—
secular,
misaligned goose pimples
feigning poise;
mocking assemblage
with dutiful centricity…
rising to fall;
ignited by prospect—
we spin—
ever so close
yet mute…
no less the equator;
hinged hemispheres
— detached;
unable to find feet
for toes trifling between;
unable to reconnoitre
roadways avant-garde;
unable to escape
egocentric fingers;
unable to shake
spinning silhouettes…
for all the swords
lying end to end,
once whirled,
now staked in peace…
for all the bullets
rifling ‘round
our world,
eclipsed, doth speak…
Author notes
All credit goes to you: great contest, great prompt.
I hope your efforts are repiprocated in entries.
Thank you,
-. --- -.
A contest entry
- Mental Asylum [INVITE ONLY] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 11, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mental Asylum [invite only] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended June 14, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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excellent!
Your words take the reader into this vertigo that our world and people are going through everyday. I really enjoy all of the metaphors you have used here.
The title is just perfect.
Good luck in this contest!
Jeannette
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Yu have this spin of internal rhyme and brilliant flow that on my first read, it simply went oer my head and I still liked the poem even though I didn't read a word [it's a compliment]
Then I read it and it's awesome.
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thank you.
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now there's a mouthful, "sovereign insobriety" (maybe a good title, too), but it has a muddled meaning- is it that the insobriety is sovereign, or that a sovereign rules drunkenly? Either way it ties in with the title somehow... "secular goose pimples" brought out an initial laugh, but it can be taken deeper (though the use of the words "goose pimples" does not lend to a heavy thought or mood), and "feigning poise"- now there's a looking-out-the-car-window-and-analyzing-somebody moment... I'm picturing the author (you) as a young male due to the diction and tone... and looking back after reading the entire piece I see that the first line holds the meaning of the entire piece- the author looking at the world "bereft of order" (and into such a world is where the tyrant steps in...)
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It's in the spirit of The Second Coming by TS Eliot...
Sovereign insobriety implies a world so drunk on itself it's fallen out of harmony.
Secular misaligned goosepimples represent ourselves as individuals... heightened with emotion though inconsequential... like puzzle pieces following suit, unsure of final agendas.
It's about missing the cliche forest for the cliche trees and being incapable of realizing luxuries of freedom for fear of being envisioned a fool.
It's about being so caught up in our ambitions and past accomplishments that we become the tyrant and, eventually, block out the sun.
The 2nd to last verse is a cry of futility: the swords representing war, with 'staked in peace' intended to promote images of crosses. The final line is the death sentence... when all becomes realized... too late.
I appreciated your comments though your "mental picture" of me is slightly askew.
Best to you, -. --- -. -
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(yes, that "slightly askew" is a trade secret in the creative business...)
NOW I see the sovereign insobriety, yes... the self-importance of humans (but we can't poopoo the human race entirely, as has been wont of late) and the goosepimples and poise work now- yes, as if people standing on the earth stick out like goosepimples (but I can't entirely knock feigning poise, either!)... the "staked in peace" is a powerful image, now that you've explained it- finding peace only in death... (or discovering the err behind a deadly conflict too late to save those who expended their lives in it)... there is still a lot left to explain, however- for you began to generalize after goosepimples (except for the stakes)... but yes, yes, some self-criticism of the present human condition is a good thing, too much is simply egotistical... (and I've seen too much in the past 40 years, it has become a dominant cult, and a bit destructive of good things... (most likely with the notion that too much of a good thing is a bad thing! (such as pride))) -
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I'll bite...
mocking assemblage (meant in comparison to earth's universal harmony)
with dutiful centricity… (sarcasm: military based foundations etc)
we spin—
ever so close
yet mute… (this returns us to human nature: how we so easily ignore one another; walking past without smiles or hellos)
no less the equator;
hinged hemispheres
— detached; (this equates the same idea, metaphorically, as if a part of the earth... while also, at least to me, implying our (negative) impact to not only be inexcusable but no longer within the scope of our control... we've created so many monsters out of envisioned genies and now the bottles and corks are all misplaced... more poopooing, I'm afraid.)
I covered the next bits with not seeing the forest for the trees etc... however; the education system produces societal inductees processed to conform; without at least entertaining new concepts and promoting radical thinking the most we can do is rebuild bridges from debris.
for all the bullets
rifling ‘round
our world,
eclipsed, doth speak…
To expand on my sombre close:
If we don't find a way to travel beyond politic and religious tabbos and propaganda... there can be no unification... without the institution of such a great equator we shall continue to revolve counter productively... destroying the world one liberal, facist and martyr at a time.
I enjoyed your comments.
best to you my friend, __
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