wash my hands of your mess
of your skin,
under my fingernails.
it's all your fault anyway
you got under my skin
you got into my bones
your screams pound through
my nervous system
left to shake in the quake
of your soul searing stare
burning a hole through my
layers of neatly pressed
fake rub on tan
covering up my despise
for this rub on life.
That seems to be all you have given me
rake your back
with vigourous malicious intent
of doing soul damage
of walking away
in high heels, hands dripping
in diamonds, and blood.
carrying your heart without care
and your life away in a rolling suitcase
left a note in the kitchen
said better to walk away
then to be trampled on.
and what a silly excuse for
a look of remorse
because you've seen this all along
and I guess you win
because you played til the end
and got your prize
a trophy wife
with great legs and charm
and you were her snake
whose slithering free from the grasp
of cold-hearted love trysts
with a wife made of ice
whose heart melts on a train
bound for nowhere you know
and I have to give it to you
I miss you already
and I guess that's more than
you will ever have to say about me
Prince charming fell short
but hey at least he fell.
His princess was no damsel
and she's left the fairytale
for reality in which she plays
queen of her heart
for the man of her dreams
who although he could not pay for her
is well deserving of his queen.
Author notes
leave me something I can use or something that will brighten my day.
Criticism must be left in the constructive form before it will be excepted
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Unplanned Rounds Contest!
- We have the right to make you write in any form/style/type of poetry there is on this planet. We will literally murder ourselves sometimes by trying to find even at least one bizarre form. But, then again, you may have easy things too. Or maybe not. You never know.
- We have the right to make you vote for other contestant. You may have to vote other contestants out, or vote to give contestants immunity, or even vote them president, or never vote for them at all. Again, you never know. We don't know either.
- We have the right to eliminate as many people as we want. We may not eliminate anyone until like the second last round. Or we may eliminate almost everyone in the first round and have the contest super short. Again, you never know!
- We have the right to make you write on any genre. Monkeys from another planet, hope, hatred, beauitful underwear. Please don't enter if you are easily offended, as you may have to write on some touchy or controversial topics. Or, you may not. You just can't tell!
- We have the right to DQ if we find anything about you unacceptable to our standards
- We have the right to be completely honest with your work. Whatever we say is only said to help you improve as a poet.
- We have the right to run this contest any way we want to. Because thats the way it goes.
- We have the right to throw any twists into this contest as we want to, especially if is for our own amusement.
- Mostly, we have the right to make you grow as a poet, and enjoy yourself.
I, FightOffYourDemons agree that I have read these terms of use and will hereby abide by the law.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: as unexpected as you [preliminary round] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 203;203;203;203;203;203;​​;​;&#& by Jaffa-.
550 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark writing (my first ever contest!!!) by RazorbladeKiss14.
715 points, ended September 15, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write Me A Letter by LesbianOfLove.
485 points, ended November 19, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
In need of major editing, open to opinions!!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow this poem is a pleasure to read the way it flows. Your imagery is captivating and well thought out! Thank you for entering my contest and best of luck to yoU!
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I love this poem! It was very very good! Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!!
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This write is captive great emotions and imagery stands firm I enjoyed this read...
Stanzas, Stanzas, and form which will bring flow...
watch for words that are not really needed such as I, you, and... take out some of them this helps the even flow when you read I must say I love your word play overall a grand show of talent
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yes.
I think you started out amazingly and then went flat towards the end - the end having no effect to the point that I almost didn't want to read it.
I seriously think you should take ryan's advice - he put everything in a way I can't put it in.
you're in, please enter the group:
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/UNPLANNED%20as%20unexpected%20as%20you?stay=1
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I liked this.
Thought it was very unique
You made it your own.
Well done and good luck.
Thank you for the great entry. -
Yes
I think this piece portrays an insane amount of potential to grow as a writer, so, I am going to get right to what I think you need to work on so that you can, of course, grow:
Stanzas are your best friend. They help progress, organize, emphasis - they add a lot of power to your poem. And when you never use stanzas, the whole piece seems so... run-on, like it isn't going anywhere and no part is better emphasized then another.
Consistent imagery needs focus. Your had great spots of imagery and phrasing - such as the first of the piece, but then you would fade into more cliche and boring phrasing and fade back in to good imagery and phrasing - I think if you kept this constant it would help make the piece as a whole stronger.
Overall focus/theme. I think the theme and the overall topic and focus of this piece was moved around too much as I went throughout the poem. It didn't seem all wrapped into one - there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that - I think you need to pick either one theme, topic, scenario, or even one metaphor, and stick with it throughout.
That said - I can really see you progressing in your poetry a lot - so thanks for the entry
Please wait for Chandni. -
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Thanks, this poem is actually really different for me. Trust me. me and stanzas are best friends and there is usually focus but I wrote this late and it just all came at me. I threw it at this contest because I knew that you two were giving good honest criticism and I wanted to know if it was any good. I hope I am in I really like the way you actually put effort into judging. Anyways, thanks again.
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we all make choices, some better than others, some are nothing more than bitter regrets. good poem. maybe she'll claw his heart out.
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Wow, this is amazing. I understand most parts of it, and I like it.
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