Walking on water
Spinning in air
Sipping wine
And the maiden so fair
To watch but love
Burst into our hearts
To watch a song
Burst into the light
To walk amung the cloud
And swim over the seas
To watch the time
So sing in the breeze
With holding string hands
Roaming around on seven foreign lands
To be held all night the the arms or your lover
And knwo its okay to be something other
To smile and not sigh,
To run above the trees
To lay your head down at night
A whisper to please
Author notes
This is my idea of heaven
A contest entry
- Tell me about Heaven by Demington.
1300 points, ended November 24, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Poetic and embraced with brevity, I like the emotional appeal you're going for with this nice bit of work.
However, some of your diction is still a bit stale.
"To watch but love
Burst into our hearts
To watch a song
Burst into the light"
Has absolutely no power to it and does you a discredit in comparision to the ethereal sense of...
"A whisper to please"
You've also got a bit of editing to do...(grammar mix-ups in lines 5 9 15 and 16
Blessings,
C
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