This road I am walking
It curved a few moments ago
The scenery is beautiful
A few dead trees
And grey skies
The dirt stains my shoes
A hollow is born in my chest
Where the thoughts and dreams lie
My heart has fuel hardly enough to beat
I see a starving crow
Flapping frantic wings
It's poetic
I retain my melancholy romp
Like a robot with a mission
Gears turning like reflexes
Why do I walk?
Left, right, left, right
The motion is hypnotizing.
The same wind scrapes
It chills the dead verses in my soul
Clouds look on with horror
A corpse on a stroll
Eyes with no soul
I've left.
A tear falls and begs for brothers
I'm a mother to a million now
Creating a puddle of despair
Somehow silent and calm
A beautiful contrast, no?
This road I am walking
There are no signs
But I go with others
They are unseen
All so warm
Their voices stain my mind
I keep plodding on
Despite the TV in the field
With broken face
Reflecting dreams
Spitting promises
So shattered.
I stop the fluid motion
And reach one hand to the sky
I silently beg the High one
Give me relief.
Show me anything.
The wind changes.
A ribbon is lowered
From a descending mass
I cannot see
I grab hold
I give up
My stained shoes leave ground.
Up to the heavens
I float with vacant grin
Despair dies with the crow
Silent and calm.
Author notes
I did look deep.
I don't know how good this really is. I mean, I didn't give up halfway through the first stanza like I have been for hours now. But yeah, in a nutshell, it's an extended metaphor for life right now and how I wish I could just leave. Things are messy. >.>;;
A contest entry
- look deep. by Ryno.
600 points, ended November 12, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I really liked this piece. It really seems to grasp that despair and hopelessness that EVERYONE, mutually, has trouble with when nothing just seems to go our way. Like, we are living, but just barely because things are so screwed up.
There was some phrases I didn't like "I keep plodding on" and "the fibre of my being" was especially cliche. I think you could change those and then the majority of the piece would be just as strong - changed to something just as vivid as the rest of the write.
The ending was also peculiar. I, myself, am christian, but I am still scared to die, yet you, you want to die! I just found that very interesting and a different take then what I was expecting.
Well written. Thank-you for the entry. -
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Thank you for your criticism! It's always welcome but doesn't come often. XD
I fixed those lines you mentioned. I also agree, they were quite cliche- but then again, I hadn't edited it all just yet. I hope it's up to par now! -
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I liked the images the new lines portray; well done.
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