Discarded thoughts of everlasting love
Snuff films twisting through my aching heart
Long past broken, open, bloodless
Pieces of you and me
Lying on the bathroom floor for all to see
So hard I tried
Inside of you a part of me died
Trapped within your misery, hatred
Death of us never the end
Always the beginning
Soul seething demons take residence
In the spot between us
Eating away at residual tendrils of love
Bloated translucent pestilence
Feeding immeasurably on our bloody end
Author notes
Personal pain can inspire artistry like no other in life.
A contest entry
- look deep. by Ryno.
600 points, ended November 12, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I thought the first stanza and the last stanze had solid, creative ideas behind them, but I found the wording too bulky, abstract, and unnecessary. You should depend upon your image and your metaphor in this case to portray your meaning, not unneeded wording.
As for the second stanza, I found it a little cliche, and I feel as though you had much more ideas (based on the other stanzas) that you could have brought forth in it.
Besides that though, this painful love piece has a lot more potential then many of the other ones I have seen. I just think you need to work on it a little more.
Keep at it. Thank-you for the entry.
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