A place once filled with laughter
now muffled by the dawn
its windows closed and shuttered
through which no light can shine.
Books whose pages speak of love
and trifle with the mind
lay strewn in careless disarray
their covers frayed and worn.
A rocking chair in motion still
sat empty in the gloom
where souls adrift in whiskey dreams
once occupied the room.
Decay and ancient musty smells
and mem'ries still remain
remnants of the gaiety
that's been a long time gone.
As shadows fill the empty void
and darkness settles in
nothing in the silence lives
but whispers in the wind.
A contest entry
- A Sense of Place by Nicada.
700 points, ended December 18, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is really sad and so very deep. One soul who occupied this room moved on to brighter days. Love the way you wrote this fine piece and allowed the reader to see pictures of the room and how barren and decayed it was. This house holds witness to the life that once made it a proud structure. One could go and on with this but to put it in a utshell, it was just perfect and really thought inspiring. I see you won the silver trophy...well done.
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So very vivid and so much like the dream that twists in the dark to become a nightmare - congratulations on you trophy, well done !
blessings and best wishes,
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Nice!
Wow! Very nice imagery here brings the reader right into the scene. "where souls adrift in whiskey dreams
once occupied the room." I love this line especially, but enjoyed the whole write very much. Thanks so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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unconnected with the subject of the contest, as far as I can see
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The images are very strong, bringing us into the shuttered room with all our senses. The poem evokes sentiments associated with long ago homes, some now as empty as this, some still occupied by the living but haunted by the memories of departed souls.
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the last line of the second-to-last stanza could be revised to flow better, and the last stanza seems like it could be stronger; however, the rest of this poem is close to flawless, the images are vivid, the feeling clear and strong
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Oooh, that's pretty. Pretty in a melancholy, forgotten sort of way, but still pretty. That may be just me, though, old books and musty libraries are some of my favorite things. I'm not getting a sense of melancholy from this poem, despite its emphasis on the end of laughter. Instead, it's almost like the shadows are made a bit brighter by the obvious joy that was once here.
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A thought-provoking description with images that could be simply of ghosts of the past, or more profoundly of human aging, the shadows, the darkness and finally silence in the end... very well-done.
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The poem draws such an image of emptiness and loneliness that it's beautiful. The only thing that bothers me is that you used an apostrophe in "mem-ries"--it sounds like you're rushing through the word, not giving it its due. Overall, though, a lovely piece of work
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this is so....powerful, i can't think of any other word to describe it, it strings together so many amazing lines like in the third verse which is by far my favourite one, well done.
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A wonderful write my friend;
"Cobwebs of the past
found within our minds,
lost amoung the darkness
hidden in every room!"
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Great stuff
A nicely written poem David sad and nostalgic but
very expressive indeed a nice change from the "I'm
an old cowhand" themes (As much as I enjoyed them)
Happy new trails partner George.!!! -
Sadness in every line my friend, but oh so true. A deserted home is a heartbreaking place to visit when the remnants of the family's possessions are strewn about the floors. Very well written.
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david
excellent. This piece could be taken in many ways. Life extinct or just an older person , once alone, now gone. The echos of empitness resounding.
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