Far from the bird nest America
Vultures peck away our eyes...Radical turbines
distract Yankee reflections under hawk-like dive-bombings
by blackhawk fires.
Fires to extinguish
not like a tower of thoughts
but to knock brains down,
building
blocks.
What did you say ?
The bombs bursting in air
What so proudly We hail
and find our souls thirsting
The Rockets Red Glare
Iraqis bursting in air
Gave proof through the night
That our minds were not there.
Try to remember
Minnesota winters
Let the breeze of chilling phantoms
speak whether we suffer alive,
or lie snugly wrapped in woolen death's blankets.
Can you recall?
boyhood memories,
dreams,
walks in parks holding hands with
our thought-friends,now
Outlawed.
No looking back...
No turning back. ...
NOT UNTIL Wounded
Return with purple heart,
warrior
back to Mississippi streams leaking
blood that mirrors infant self.
RECLAIM.
Until the Black Birds nearly st-old my life,
I never recalled myself;
the pool residing within ghostlike frame.
Until bullet holes riddled limping limbs
I never noticed the tall dark man;
The change that was my country.
The compass is upside down,
and little soldier confused,
but feet
cold as they are
have found the inner pool.
A contest entry
- look deep. by Ryno.
600 points, ended November 12, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please use constructive criticism!
Comments
-
I liked the disjointedness, as you described disjointed logic. Interesting and meaningful. If you would like constructive criticism, I think you need to worry less about the audience and be yourself even more. The audience already knows what they think, no need to say it. Show them what you think in a personal way. That will make the connection between author and reader stronger and you will not need to wate your time worrying what they think.
-
A truly interesting piece -
your staggered lines through me a bit, for me anyway it made it slightly harder to read
but other than that, really well done. An intense piece. -
I am absolutely speechless. You have captured the intensity of this subject ingeniously. The form, only being one part of it, though well thought out. The power of your words and craziness and havoc penned in your imagery is thrilling and takes us on a ride.
And the depth and power of this "inner pool" is great. - The final realization of where we are going, what is happening - only to notice -
were doomed. So powerful, luring and well penned.
My only suggestion would be to watch where you capitilize things. You had some random capitilization on words that kind of threw me off because I was reading them as though a title of something, or a new though, when it wasn't.
Really though, greatly written and thanks for the entry.!
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