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Pillar

Stoically, there he stood..

Among the onslaught of jeers

Devoid of fabric, consumed by fears

Festering for eons, in emotions 'hood

 

 

Among the onslaught of jeers

Devoid of fabric, consumed by fears

Festering for eons, in emotions 'hood

Stoically, there he stood..

 

Devoid of fabric, consumed by fears

Festering for eons, in emotions 'hood

Til days went to night as well it should

Stoically, there he stood..

 

 

Festering for eons, in emotions 'hood

Til days went to night as well it should

Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would

Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood.

 

 

   

Author notes

Decided to borrow my brother's 'thinking chair, and went and mixed some things up in his 'thought lab'

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 88 of 88

  • sinfull
    November 29
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    This is a rather cool mix... Almost a kyrielle or a villanelle, yet with your own style. I like it. It seems tyo build up upon it's self from a whisper to a shout. Very nicely done. Kudos!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 29
      ?
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      yeah, you're right the form is a retourne but i did kinda fudge a little on it..but hey it's all good in da hood if you like!! l.o.l. i truly appreciate you my friend...


  • Rheea gold member
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    stand against injustice no matter the crowd pass the light until somewhere someway the light comes through a crack and it expands by persistent hands into a brilliant sun. you are beautiful.


    • Swangrnv gold member
      June 15
      Edit | Reply

      aww..

      wow, i'm touched my sweet one..thank you so much..

  • arnal
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    I like the repitition, I like "In emotions hood"and "Erosion collects its debt" seems the pillar fell,enjoyed

    • Swangrnv gold member
      June 7
      Edit | Reply

      why thank you

      i'm pleased that you liked this piece, yeah the repetition was because of this forms calls for it..and i guess it worked in this piece..always great to get a visit from you my friend, truly appreciate it also when i get one..


  • sweet arrival gold member
    April 28

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    this could be taken many ways... as someone standing up for his beliefs and being made fun of or being shot down for it... well done

    • Swangrnv gold member
      April 29
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      I'm very happy you liked this my friend, and well yeah I can be either way as I know how it feels on either side of the coin..i appreciate your support my friend..


  • individuality gold member
    April 11

    Edit | Reply
    a good poem, and the repetition works in the piece's favour i think - a good dark swirl of atmosphere, tears creating lakes.

  • HerMouth
    March 9

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful

    Oh, I love this! It has such a powerful message, very thought provoking. I will definitely read your other works.


    • Swangrnv gold member
      March 10
      Edit | Reply

      aaawww..

      thank you so much for such a great comment!! i'm happy you liked this even happier still you wanna read more!


  • skilter
    February 24
    Edit | Reply
    wow this is really, really and enjoyable read my friend, great job here!

    • Swangrnv gold member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      hey my man! long time no see em! l.o.l. I am pleased you liked this piece my friend, it's a personal favorite of mine..appreciate your reading and commenting...


  • Andrew Norris
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    It is curious how one comes across the work of another poet. I can't quite remember how I found your site, I guess I was just wandering around and something caught my eye. So, I opened on this title, it struck me as curious, but I have to say that the form is pretty amazing. The economy of lines and the repetition in a different context, or order, really rams home the imagery and the variety of order brings out subtle nuances in each of those lines. Bravo!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      January 18
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      Wow, such gracious comments, I appreciate them and I'm pleased you liked this piece of writing..


  • Spiritvision angel
    January 17

    Edit | Reply

    You may have borrowed your brothers thinking chair but, I imagine he is proud what came out of it . Your writing stands strong as a pillar that does not weaken in time. It gets taller to become noticed by more. Well done.

    • Swangrnv gold member
      January 17
      Edit | Reply

      aaww..

      i'm overwhelmed now my friend..you're treat me so very kind..i have to hightail back to your page..i feel guilty.. thanks so much for your support!@


  • lunarlunacy
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would

    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood.

    quite the powerhouse closing!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      December 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks my man

      Truly appreciate you taking time to read and comment on my work, i'll be visiting your home in a bit..


  • Rheea gold member
    November 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you are about to make me cry with this.
    did you give the chair back?
    =)

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      regrettably yes, I needed it himself.. but hey I've still got my thouht puddles! thanks for all your support my friend.


  • flowerfish78
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sometimes there just are no words to describe your poetry..you just leave me speechless, mouth agape in awe of your amazing work! It's so powerful, so visual, absolutely amazing!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Wow

      I'm speechless from this fantastic comment..Thank you sweet lady..


  • eslydd
    November 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    sweet

    I really like your Style here! The Story is pretty powerful as well.


  • Gulfbreeze
    November 23, 2008

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    Powerful

    I dont know when I was sleeping and missed this piece. It is so powerfully written and just leaves this reader, feeling wow'd. Awesome insight, placed by pen and mind.

    "Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would

    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood."

    Excellent write all the way around.


  • Mariana gold member
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant!

    This is such a powerful poem. You have captured the essence of pain and mockery. Well done! That last stanza just blew me away!

    Mariana


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow..

      your comment pretty much blew me away!! thank u so much for your generous compliment i truly appreciate it..


  • Swangrnv gold member
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    thanks

    I truly appreciate that great comment my friend, and all the support you've shown me!


  • Draig aine gold member
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    thats a wow, last stanza hit me in the face the lake of tears


  • Tristania
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing!This is repetitive but in a good way...like the chorus in a song.It catches you!Hooks you into it so you can't tear your eyes away until it ends!Bravo!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      I really appreciate this very wonderful comment, and thank you so very much for it!


  • darell
    November 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Deep

    A most profound and poignant
    message that evokes reflection.
    We've all had that moment in life
    when we were petrified by life.
    Stuck in the crossroads of reality
    and total unbelief. Those times are
    defining periods in our life that
    could make or brake us.
    I believe you captured that essence
    in this piece. Great writing my friend


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      a very deep comment my brother! wow , much thanks kid, glad you liked this!


  • georgie
    November 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well however u did it it worked an unusual piece but thats what makes it so great,
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      yeah, every now and again I try to do some experimenting with form poetry, while this isn't 100% it's done in what is known as a retourne..people on here who are much better at the form than I have at least inspired me to give it a try.


  • karma-n-peace
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Never do you cease to leave me in awe of your talent.
    Definately love it!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      it's really a treat seeing you back on my pages again.


  • Dalaney gold member
    November 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    where is this thought lab, and does your brother
    charge a fee? Very good here, Rich. The repetition
    works well...almost hypnotic. Love, Lane

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      l.o.l.

      oh somewhere in the deep mountains of a far away land..l.o.l. i'll talk to my peeps and he'll talk to his an i'll back nback with ya on it ok?? thanks a ton my sweetheart, appreciate the support!!


  • poetryality silver member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    There is such depth written here that the repeated lines were indeed, skillfully used. The messages rendered here should be reinforced time, and time again. Excellent work my friend. You and your brother collaborate well, even when you write individually. LOL

    I felt the passion!




    Much Love Always ♥

    Renee

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      l.o.l.

      like that last line..yeah, i indeed took on this piece alone..but i essentially 'needed' his 'chair' to focus!! l.o.l. glad you liked this piece my friend!


  • Titus gold member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I for one have to praise you first for the allegiance in word strength. You eptomise what worth you have by giving us the Samson and Delilah, archtype. The didactic feel for epic enlightment is given in this short piece, and it is almost eccentric in luminosity, and the feel to know what really is going on here. It intrigues me to say that the piller itself may be possessed, and that makes it for better reading, that there is indeed an unknown force within your skills as a writer. Enchanting piece, most adapted fopr the epic writer, and from which, add ons are essential to lift this spiritually, by all accounts, I would say, do so. Excellent'e. Usually, the pilar in metaphor for stability and support, but in this, we speak of self motivation and stength.

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow

      How amazingly detailed you are in your comment! i was happy with just a i like this piece comment, l.o.l. but u surely went beyond that! thank you kind sir!

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Am not au fait with many forms...don't write them myself..but this works...the return to thought in the retourne...the about and turn about of what it was and is about...a thought provoking piece...erosion collect's its debt...liked that...yes time and its tracks have a way of tracking back and backtracking...in the meantime we muddle through the puddle of imposibilities in emotions hood...and then there lies a lake of regret wet through from years of tears...


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow

      I'm amazed by your comments, thank you my dear poetess..I'm honored to have you bless my page.


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    November 14, 2008

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    i like the repeat you did there, it made the point kind of stick, all in all an great read, keep it flowing


  • Commodore Rouge
    November 10, 2008

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    This is a work to be admired. To start, your rhyme is creative, and I like how you ordered it. That's one of the things I noticed first about this poem, and of course, the rhyming didn't sound forced. I also enjoyed how the first line of each stanza is related back to the first stanza. And the phrases are repeated over. I've never seen anyone do that before, so I wondered if this was a form poem or not. Is it? Your sense of diction is impressive, but though you have a diverse range of words used, it wasn't wordy and florid. I"m happy I clicked to read this piece. It's lovely!

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you!

      It is in fact form(sort of! l.o.l. i put my own twist on it) basically it's called a 'retourne' a form I admired done exceptionally well by a fellow poet and good friend of mine here. anyways, I'm constantly finding little ways to make adjustments to pieces to give them a uniqueness that in the end I hope become something my very own, but I've a far way to go..so I'm simply just on the journey to improve at my own pace and in the meantime I'm always pleased my twisted little experiments(l.o.l.) aren't too painful for most of the readers to stomach.. thanks a ton for your read, and great comments.


  • Draig aine gold member
    November 10, 2008
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    thumbs up

    I like the way you staggered the repeat andd then resolved it in other words, well done


  • lovesky
    November 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    great writting
    the last line with lake of tears is so good !
    Love It!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      I'm happy you liked this piece and appreciate your wonderful comment!!


  • Susan John Francis
    November 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    WOw!!! this is an interesting piece here,nice write..


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      hey lady!

      So nice to get a visit from you my friend! Thanks so much, and I'm pleased you liked this write.


  • bigperm
    November 10, 2008

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    Always nice to meet a provoker of thoughts

    Nice session in the thought lab? Some how I invision the chair and electrodes harness from A Clockwork Orange.lol
    I especially love the line: Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would...entropy at its finest. That is the most powerful line in the piece.
    kudos... from one ponderer to the next


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 10, 2008
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      and..

      from one ponderer to the other, Thanks!!


  • hawkeslake gold member
    November 9, 2008

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    The line repetition is exceptionally powerful at reinforcing the deep desolate feeling, as though it stretches across the universe and time... perfectly dark and bleak, and your background just pushes it even further. If I don't go find something humorous to read, I will end up going to bed sad! Well done!

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow

      incredible feedback my friend, i really truly appreciate it.
      p.s. sorry about the sadness, i'll try to lighten up next time!!


  • AsIThink gold member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    And Out-Thunk him...

    "Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would
    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood." - by Swangrnv. Thanks...take care. Nooo; just kidding a bit. Swan, this write was so powerfully constructed; so creatively laid out too. I believe you just turned yourself up (a few notches at that). Loved this powerhouse so full of a heavy sadness and at the same time - it felt almost heroic. Excellent; just marvelous!

    AsIThink...


  • delightfulmess silver member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awe... nice job with the form.
    You have penned a beautifully sad poem. Well
    done....


    Delila


  • storiesuntold gold member
    November 9, 2008
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    This was very sad

    I feel many people feel this way as we at times feel this shroud of sadness engulf us and often not with a good understanding why yet it knaws at us until we release the pressures of the tears from within as though our souls weap from lifes regrets and the heart settles back to normality

  • veiledprofanityhehe
    November 9, 2008

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    Cool. I can't say much else. Cool. Also I like your glasses. The repetition works perfectly. I dig it.


  • Scyphon
    November 9, 2008
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    Very well written, excellent poem. Love the imagery, especially the lake of tears.


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      really appreciate your time and your comments on my work.


      • Scyphon
        November 9, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        No problem at all, it was a great read. Gonna have to get more now ^_^


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    November 9, 2008

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    Yep, it always come to collect it's debt, even from the most stoic of people! Great write!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      and ain't that the truth..

      You're such a smart lady my friend! thanks again, and again for your support!

  • michaeline
    November 9, 2008

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    You should enter this in a contest.You put alot of emotion into this and so he sttod.I like your backround on this.For there he stood much like the lighthouse in this picture.I do not know what I would add to this if I were to revise it it is great just like it is.The last line I love it .

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      Wow, I'm moved by your words! thanks so much I don't find too many contests that happily accepts prewrites, although it's only been a few hours ago i penned this! l.o.l. but it's not bad advice.


  • GizmoFox
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would
    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood."
    Very nice, powerful... intense...

    G.F.


  • UntitledScream
    November 9, 2008

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    amazing

    wow this is amazing. I really enjoyed this piece. I always scan pieces before I read them full over and when I first scanned it I thought it would be kind of boring because of its repetition but when I read it full over, my god. It is extremely powerful, without the repetition it would be boring. I read it out loud a few times, and it flows so well. Rolls off the toungue. Amazing job!

    xoxo Linz

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      wow

      A wonderful comment! thank you dear poetess I really appreciate your reading and commenting on my work..i shall return the fav. very soon!


  • hotchocolate gold member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful write here like the way this was written! I enjoyed this read

    Festering for eons, in emotions 'hood
    Til days went to night as well it should
    Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would
    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood.


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      You know I look forward to your visits my friend! thanks for all your support lady!!


  • Arizona Sunset
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    and you didn't steal his chair? lol This is brilliant Your powerful voice in this is impressive, as well as your amazing imagery. No matter the taunting or the fear stoically a man stands strong in his place of his greatest weakness...this is very amazing to me...love it! blessings always ~Trisha~

    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      L.O.L.

      Ran out time he was on his back home!! l.o.l. hey thank you my friend, one of my long time friends! always so loyal..thank you poetess!

  • Melrose
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful Swan...

    Love the way you set this up. The last two lines, "Erosion collects it's debt, like he knew it would
    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood" - so powerful and vivid.


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      thank you, thank you!..I'm grateful for such wonderful comments, they're very much appreciated lady!


  • Donchaquestionme
    November 9, 2008

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    Love the depthness

    Stoically, there he stood.. Brilliant choice of word 'stoically' , so free from passion and/or feeling. A strong begining to such a deep poem. Love it!


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      my dear friend I appreciate your great comments and I'm pleased you found this to your liking!


  • Pisces rainbow gold member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well done
    emotions kept still
    love your metophors
    boiling up to a burst
    some emotions need to to be vented
    pain can eat you up alive if you hold onto them
    this style is amazing big brother

    Now lies a lake of tears in the place he stood.
    awesome creative write
    oh so excellent
    God bless you...


    • Swangrnv gold member
      November 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      aaww..

      sweetie! you are always there for me aren't you? Thank you so much my lovely sis!

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