I look up gazing,
Longing for home,
For her, for life.
Yet it looks down,
From the stars,
Laughing.
It’s meant to be all caring,
It’s not.
My heart is torn.
Distance my enemy,
Uni my destructor,
I long for home.
My dream lays shattered,
On the floor, Uni taunts,
Stay here and struggle,
Go home and live,
Those are the options,
Those are my failings.
My family disowned me,
At the thoughts of home.
Blame the one I love,
When it was me not her,
That caused this.
I made the leap in life,
And fell wanting.
So here I am,
Abandoned disowned.
She left me cause of this,
The guilt too much for her.
Flowers to the soil,
The last I’ll see of her, for now
And I'm left with nothing.
Standing at the edge,
Breathing deeply.
Looking down.
I close my eyes,
And….. jump
Author notes
Prompt: Distance (Make it tragic)
Ok this is not true but a fiction poem based around my position in life at the moment. I'm applying for a job which if i get I will be droping out of uni and moving home and i fear that my parents will blame my gf for it and not that i wasn't enjoying the course, and cause Chandni wanted it to be tragic i took it further to my gf comitting suicide because she felt like it was all her fault. Please don't comment saying I hope your ok as I am ok, and i'm not suffering the loss of my gf as that is part of the fiction within this. She does feel slightly guilty about how i feel as part of it is because of her but the bulk of it is me not enjoying my course at university. My parents hav been supportive so far but i doubt they will be happy when i say i'm coming home and that I have a job waiting for me if i manage to get it.
Please do criticise the poem strongly as I want to improve not get non stop praise
A contest entry
- Mental Asylum [INVITE ONLY] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 11, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What you think?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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you need to work on the colorful verbiage (which comes with time) as the subject and your insight are not deep enough to carry the reader alone... the subject is unique and interesting however in a situational way, but you need to be more "artful" so to speak- and there is no better place to find it than right here in the entries for this contest- for I see it is aimed at a certain artful crowd...
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the ending was overly tragic to the point of losing it's impact as it has been explored by countless other poems, venturing upon a similar theme & idea.
your opening stanza was good, simple & concise,
furthermore your repetition worked in a rhythmic fashion, "for her, for life"
your mention of the university strain could have been explored in different ways, instead of a further repetition which did not progress the narrative voice any further, "uni my destroyer, uni taunts"
the mention of a title in a poem usually doesn't work for me, but in this, it seemed to fit.
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I didn't read the notes. heh But this is a well done personal poem
"Distance my enemy,
Uni my destructor,.."
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Wow this was very deep and emotional.
I am glad that this is not rue.
Because it is so sad.
Very well written and a excellent flow.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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well i can critisise the fact that you scared me something chronic till i read the blurb
humph..dont do that to me
*huggles*...it was a good poem reahc realyl shows how your feeling at the mo.
Wish i could make the world right for you bro
xxx
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