the red glimmer of her eyes
i melted with the flame of desire
'taste my cup' said the mesmerizing eyes
i bowed on her
it was all pink--in and around--
i drank until the last drop
the rosy hands pushed me
pinned me down to the rustling sheets
her hungry nakedness was like a sky reclining on my willing earth
i had to repay the debt
What did you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Quite aside from the "delicious" intent of this piece...
"her hungry nakedness was like the sky reclining on my willing earth"
an incredible line, fluent in its carnal art...
Breathtaking imagery...I loved watching...
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WOW!
Naughty and I absolutely love your Imagery!!
I better read more of your work, your writing is definitely Muse-awakening!!!
And INDEED the debt MUST be repayed! *devil smirks* *dvil*
Really wonderful!
Keep it up!
Nooni
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HOT!!!
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So simple yet so fulfilling, lustful and desirous. For me, the most "telling" line was "I drank until the last drop" I think if you had added something similar to "Yet still I craved for more" It would have been as close to perfect as possible.
When you write a poem I believe that each line should be viewed as a new sentence, thus it should start with a capital.
The first person singular MUST be written as "I" and not "i"
Rikki
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4 stars
hey this is really good. I'm feeling this alot and you seem you have alot to offer. -
That was very, very nice. Good imagery and earthy, erotic comparisons. Reverential tones make this seem like every time for you is a special moment. I like the phrase "hungry nakedness" it very accurately portrays the urgency of this scene. Great job, all around.
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Wonderfully sensual and sweet. Love the imagery and the soft sentiments spoken.
Az
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azlyn
i appreciate ur comment. wish i cd "repay" ur "soft sentiments"
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wow!
now thats what i call descriptive. if i was a lesbian - i think i'd like to be repayed like that! actually if a man repayed me like that - well you get the picture.
there was nothing i would change.
must admit i'm suprised you're only 16!!!
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cellardoor
thx. i think even 16s can have their moments of pleasure
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gulp!!
wow!!
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welcome to allpoetry!
amazing. i love the image you create. fantastic. =) very well written. <3
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ure very sweet. so is ur comment.
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Thanks. =)
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holy shet
Absolutely amazing. I got chills just reading it. Very well penned. I loved the iamgery, you wrote with a perspective of love..and yet a feeling of..discontentment. A great tugging poem that creates tension amove erotica feelings in the reader. Great job!!!!!!!
ing alone,
Mylee -
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ur comment is great. it inspires. makes me very happy. i thank u hun.
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and once again i find myself in a moment of speechlessness, keep it flowing and just wow.
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Nice first work!
WoW nice work on the erotica poem. I dont think you will have trouble writing love and lust poems haha. Cant wait to see your other works.
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Ignored
i'd try. thx 4 the comment.
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beautiful
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demonic66
who? me?
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Very nicely penned in such a delicate way making the read enjoyable and asking a sequel.
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I think this is a great first poem. I love the imagery in this. Keep doin your thing and writing your thoughts down. i really enjoyed this!
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WOW!...
I simply don't know where the beauty lies...
in the poem...or in you!
Charming!
Absolutely charming!
Kisses all over...
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This is a very vivid poem, I loved the imgery, and the flow was great.
A couple of things though: Capitalize your "I"'s and Nakedness needs two "s" other than that, it was brilliant. You painted a wonderful picture here! Glad I stopped by!
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Fabulous poem!It's erotic in a way that seems so special and so unique!I can't find the words but it was so beautiful and so sensual too!You did an awesome job on this!If you want to revise it though I'd suggest putting a more interesting background and adding a song to go with it...maybe split the lines into smaller increments so it's longer but not as wide so it's not quite as daunting to the eyes.You're a gold member for now so you should have those options available to you...Add pics for a custom background by going to Allposters.com
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HauntedAngel2012
Its great u liked my first effort. i've to learn a lot. friends like you can give me a helping hand. i'm grateful. i like simplicity. thx so much 4 ur offer. ure very very kind.
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thx. what/who turned u on? the poem? then i'm happy to know that. she? then i might tell her she's got another fan. me? then i'm proud of myself.
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O.O
*tries to hide the fact that i was turned on by that*
>_> nice poem
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
I love the imagery and thought
that you put into this one. Well
done and thanks a lot for sharing
it with all of us here! Keep up
the wonderful work!
Jeremy0826 -
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great of u 4 ur kind words. thx.
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You are very welcome, it's my pleasure!
Take care!
Jeremy0826
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Hi, Ms. Lez
The first half of this was AMAZING! Seriously! Even though I've never been with a woman, I felt like I were watching an incredibly-vivid movie... The imagery is stunning, and paints a lovely picture in your reader's mind.
The second part was... Well, in my opinion, it seemed flat and a little too harsh for the rest of the poem. You had something going with that first stanza, so you should totally stick with it!
My only correction:
"till" should be "until" or 'til.
Welcome aboard, and I hope that you continue sharing your work with us here at AP. If you ever have any questions, please let me know
Write on!
Laura
Site Greeter
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Immortal Obscurity
ur comment is great. i changed as u suggested. hope its a bit better. thx. -
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Oh hell, yes :)
Much better! I love it
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this is my first. i hope its not 2 bad.
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