The lies cascading from your pretty mouth
painting me sweet, intoxicating pictures
Oh, anything so perfect must be true
But I know better
You drew me, once, into your safehold
So immersed in your eyes
I couldn't even see the bodies
But now I know better
For your patience with me broke
And in your rage, I saw that I was in
Not a safehold, but an abattoir, surrounded
by the bloodied, beaten remains
of my predecessors
And I ran
I ran til I would never see you again
Even though I sometimes want to
And now I can but hope that others
Are not fooled by your lovely promises
I know better
A contest entry
- An EASY Pre-Write Contest, For Once. by AboveApathy.
700 points, ended December 16, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites. by Simone Brooklyn.
700 points, ended January 18, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - emotion illness rounds - AUDITIONS by stasis.
700 points, ended February 7, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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yes.
I love the flow in this piece.
the only thing that I will suggest is to use more metaphor and imagery.
as well, left-align would help
and maybe not such a bright font colour.
thanks for entering
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yes
In general, I really like this piece. The repetition, though, kind of bothered me. But I do feel like this piece shows that you have great potential. Especially in your second stanza. Blew me away.
One suggestion? Left align your poetry... I think free verse and left-alignment go hand-in-hand. It just looks more professional to me.
All in all though, this was great.
Please wait for the other judge to comment.
♣ Tegan -
Wow. It's like this poem is the backbone of my life (no matter how cheesy that sounds!). I feel like these words came right out of my mouth. If only I ran sooner! Thank you for entering, and thank you for allowing me to read this poem!
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not quite what i had in ind for that prompt but i still like your work on this.
thank for entering -
wow. this is great! it actually reminds me a lot of my personal style of writing. i must say the first stanza was the most well-written, and it truly drew me into the piece. excellent!
wesley -
Good job. Thanks for entering;
good luck to you.
Brian -
Hey, is it no longer in the contest?
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really good entry, so far a lot of these entries are realy good but yours had a certain quality, uniqueness that I enjoyed.
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Excellent
Very well expressed. a great creation. Thank you for sharing.
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I shouldv'e said "good " it was a good verse for that part of poem .
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good
that it would be lyrically good .line 9-14 I loved it was colorful and you said you ran for your life cute!it made me feel lucky .it sounds a little like my write (I know she has you)you could read it if you want it was my pre Dae Sommers days (i had a lot of anger back then!enjoyed your read !
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i agree with the one that says change the title it need to be changed it is a great write
love ya
ari -
Any help needed (for anything..) i'll be here, anytime!
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Wow, very emotional piece.
And your only 13?!!!!
You shouldn't have to put up with this right now, your too young =(
well anyways.. there goes =) ; Your words/poem reflects so much endurance that you had to mask on, to pretend that everything will be okay. But then acknowledgement; running away was the way you wouldn’t have to hear his lies no more, because it just wasn’t right.
You captured beauty in an evil form. It’s quite ironic when our close and dearest are the ones who hurt us in life or love. You portrayed that simply and painfully.
Slight randomness, which I loved… shows how your thoughts are aching, and confused.
Just two suggestions:
level up your sentences so their all aligned together in a column, there's more than one way to do it, it’ll add beauty and solidness to your piece.
Rhyme was on and off, read your poem aloud and once you do you'll realize where you can perhaps rhyme some words or pace your rhythm.
Other than that, your message was well expressed in a heart wrenching agony… Even though in the end you are “no fool” to his “lovely promises“ anymore… a rock solid ending
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I think if I were to revise this I would change the title.Your words were well thought out and easy to relate to.You ran,You escaped what could have been really bad.Sometimes leaving can be the hardest thing you can leave phisically but escaping emotionally issomething totally differant.I like the first and last lines of this and the way it all ties in.Great job on this poem.
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Second Stanza - absolute gold i love it
the rest of the poem i can relate to very much...i think this is really well written.
your use of the abattoir was...terrific! (i can't think of an appropriate word to use so please forgive me) -
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muchos gracias, really. i've always rather liked that word.
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