bus stop
you describe my face
as damp
my eyes like sunken swamps
and my mouth
was just a petty orifice
for your religious fingers
running deep
into my back
planting tomatoes
to grow in stringy vines
up my spine
you wrote emotions
all over your body
trying to figure out your breathlessness
and why
the moon shines brighter
through your window
when you hardly sleep
thinking
about the one last trip
you'll take
with your bus ticket already paid
and suitcase full
of candles
preparing for hell
to embrace you as the sickness
you've become
but here
in this windowless room
with you aflame
I try to explain myself
drawing silhouettes of faceless beings
that created me
how my taste runs sour
for conventional living
and every moment spent
like a needle in your skin
I felt warm
covered in layers of leaves
because last autumn
still hangs like fog in the air
and leaves me
oblivious
to the natural sound
of your voice
and
all I hear
is the wind
slurring my name
baiting me
towards every tree
that slightly resembles
your figure
Author notes
http://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/pg_2bornot.html
don't go
In a list
A contest entry
- your soul beats on a platter by Melissa Gayle.
1000 points, ended November 23, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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and
all I hear
is the wind
slurring my name
baiting me
towards every tree
that slightly resembles
your figure
Dear heavens...and here I thought I had the market cornered on sad-slathered figures...lol. But this took the bride AND groom off the cake. Stab me harder in the neck why don'tcha?? lol But truly, I loved this...you really did a spot on job of creating the right mood, the gloomy, dreary, wind/rain swept atmosphere that just screams out fog and damp stars.
This made me want to wrap myself up in a flannel blanket with hot cocoa to ward off the chill.
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im irritated i didnt read this sooner.
gosh, bf, you slay me. seriously. i dont know what else to say.
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I feel like I never say anything new to you...
I think you are beyond words.
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the unlit bus stop, an apt waystation between the world above the world below. my childhood friend just opened a vein recently, and slipped across the dark horizon, 'suitcase full of candles.' well poemed. -fish
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Found deep within
your words grip the page and slice an emotional surgery that plants gardens of raw need into the search for your own solution like Salvador Dali in a cold sweat. I love this piece! Bravo!
-
"and suitcase full
of candles
preparing for hell
to embrace you as the sickness
you've become"
- intense.
"every moment spent
like a needle in your skin"
- and that.
and you again make me want to be a part of your brain..
speaking of which - can i?!
-
and
all I hear
is the wind
slurring my name
baiting me
towards every tree
that slightly resembles
your figure
DAMN
you will never loose that voice...
so distinctive and always with a feeling and something to say.
♥Becky♥
-
"and
all I hear
is the wind
slurring my name"
excellent
-
sigh...
-esha
-
I think this is one of the best things you've written...one of my favorites since 'residue'.
"you describe my face
as damp"
WHAT an opener; the most unique and sad use of 'damp' I have ever seen. I do love that you never state it was an accurate description; I know it's not.
"petty orifice" "religious fingers"
OMFG.
Love both these phrases; in particular, "religious fingers".
LoveloveloveloveloveLOVELOVELOVE ♥.
"you wrote emotions"<==why is it 'wrote' and not 'write'? Did you change tenses intentionally...??? The opener is "you describe", so I think that should be "you write" (but what I think is often wrong, LoL...but yeah. I'm confused. :C)
"and why
the moon shines brighter
through your window
when you hardly sleep
thinking
about the one last trip
you'll take
with your bus ticket already paid"
Beautiful comes to mind...I hate it when people like you make me say the word.
Love the moon reference...they are done so often they've become kind of trite, but I love that; I can just imagine somebody so introspective and depressed looking out the window and thinking about how life is shit.
:C :C :C
That last stanza...
do you have a new affinity with trees? I think I've noticed more references to trees since "chewing bottles" (but I'm biased, I gave you a tree-based prompt, and maybe that's why I'm noticing suddenly).
It's so fucking genius...your use of 'slightly' adds all that impact and 'baiting'...nice.
Lovelovelovelove
Jessica
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i think your poetry is the major reason i check AP every day
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you are way to nice to me suna
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who could decide like that? insane. it shouldn't be a factual decision, it should be a soul-deep decision.
there's a book "Sharp Objects" by Gillian Flynn in which the main character both cuts and writes words all over her body, to get them out of her head. i used to do that. this poem makes me think of that, like the body just announcing itself, undeniable.
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your ending is delicious and subtle.
-
=0
Omg that ending is so powerful.
Wow. ♥ I wish i could see everything thats behind this poem. Seriously is has so much in it.
"you wrote emotions
all over your body
trying to figure out your breathlessness"
AHHHH! <3333IN love. Like holy what an amazing part. I was blown away.
I liked all the kind of the nature images. The tomatoes and the swamps and trees and autumn leaves. Very interesting choices they were sooo effective.
Absolutely beautiful write.
♥
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the tomatoes growing in vines up your spine was incredible. and very new.
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