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I can't forgive

I can't forgive myself
For letting you go
I can't forgive myself
For letting this pain show
I feel like I'm empty
I feel like I'm going to cry

I can't forgive myself
For never saying I love you again
I can't forgive myself
For seeing you in so much pain
It kills me
It makes me insane

I can't forgive myself
To  never get to hug you one last time
I can't forgive myself
For trying so hard to hold it in
For killing myself inside
For trying so hard to hear your voice again

Every year is hard to let go
It's only 3
It's so long
As from what I know

The days are getting thicker
As blood gets heavier
To think about doing it again
I remember all the pain you went through
So I had to go through it too

I remember the sadness in your eyes every night
In that hospital bed about to die
Your are captive in a body you want to free
I understand
Those painful 8 months and a week I'll never forget

I remember your happiness with me
Telling me how much I love you
I can never forget that
It's sad to say I miss you
When your gone forever
I miss you so much

I can't say it outloud
I can't say it to Karen
I can't say it to your grave
That I pass by everyday

I don't live that far away from you
But your buried deep inside
A world full of pain and cries

I hate the soarness in my mouth
That I feel right now
I hate talking about your memories
That you've once had with me

You are gone now
I can't let go
But someday I have to know
Will I ever feel happy again?
I mean I'm happy your not in pain
Will I ever feel the same way again?
But I feel incomplete without you here
With you gone and never near

I know how much you miss us all the time
Karen says she misses you all the time
I want to but it's hard not to cry

I realize your birthday is only 2 weeks away
It falls on Thanksgiving day
It's painful to not have you here with us
Specially since it's all on the same day
I'm filled with so much pain

I miss those days
Curled up inside the covers with you
Hearing your voice over and over again
Saying that I love you too
I used to say it all the time
When I was younger
It's hard to say it now
It's hard to show you how
Now that I can't hear you say it back
I feel so down

Every day
Every week
Every month
Every year
Every decade
It's going to be strange
Not seeing your face
Only the pictures I have
Seems to keep you alive
But it's never enough

It's hard to say goodbye
When I never really got to say those last words to you
I can't forgive myself for that
I couldn't be with you
It was only the first day of High School tomorrow
What could I do
Just not go
I'd feel like such a fool

But I let you die
I never got to hold your hands again
Except see you in the casket one last time
I can't get over it
I can't forgive myself
I wanted to cry that day
I just said to myself goodbye anyway

While everyone else was crying
I just sat there
Staring
Wondering
Hoping
Fighting for myself not to be weak for you
I gave up cutting
Trying to hold back this pain
Just for you everyday
So you won't be so sad

But those days in the hospital
I knew you knew
I did what I did
But I was so lost
So young and confused

So I can never really forgive myself
But it's hard to let you go
It's hard to let someone so close to you
To forgive and say goodbye
I will always love you

Author notes

8/8/05...3 years..it's painful all the time
But I still seem to get by
I love you always momma

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    September 5

    Edit | Reply
    Very sad write, although the circumstances are unclear there is nothing like the loss of a child (i have experienced this). thanks for entering

    ♥
    whisper


  • Karra-Mayy
    September 4
    Edit | Reply
    verry well written

    i enjoyed reading this


  • mitchybaby
    August 30
    Edit | Reply
    Very well written

  • hend shaheen
    August 25
    Edit | Reply
    really touchn amazn!!!!


  • Babesface
    August 12

    Edit | Reply
    Stupid internet! I commented on this and then it said I hadn't even viewed it!! So here we go again...

    First of all, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I love how even though it happened all those years ago, you have still managed to capture the emotion that anybody goes through when they lose somebody close to them.

    My favourite parts are the first and last stanzas. I love the repetition of how you can't forgive yourself for the death.

    The emotion is overwhelming and you have used such a wide variety of imagery.

    Thanks for entering and best of luck in the contest


  • Not-The-Sun silver member
    August 7
    Edit | Reply
    this is a very emotional poem I think that a few parts could be refined a bit; thank you for entering


  • HereComesTheSun
    August 1
    Edit | Reply
    read smoothly and emotion was well shown
    thanks for entering


  • Nostalgia
    July 31
    Edit | Reply
    Painful, emotional, thanks for sharing.


  • WuzGood
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    Yes. good emotion. good luck


  • DesolatELifE
    June 5

    Edit | Reply
    Well, it is longer than not very long, that's for sure.

    Lots of emotion, which is nice. Very sad situation. Thanks for entering.


  • perfectsunset gold member
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    Great job on conveying
    your thoughts clearly,
    and with deep emotion.

    Best of luck & thanks for entering


  • Little-Buster gold member
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    Great write.
    However I feel you use the word "myself" a bit too much.

    Best of luck.
    -Buster


  • XxMoonLiteAngelxX
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    So much pain.. So much sorrow. im so sorry if this really happend to you. Im so sorry, I really liked this poem, but I am very sorry for this. This poem was very depressing and so sad. I thank you for entering my contest and good luck


  • Serenity-words
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    This was such a emotional poem. Thank you for giving me the chance to read it. I'm sorry about your loss.. I hope the pain gets easier. Time, if not heal, can make your pain subside. I'm very sorry. But this is a wonderful poem of expression.


  • first forgotten
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was very painfull to read. I got a little teary eyed into the middle. Very expressive and deep. I feel very hollow now... great write. All my love! ~Kitten


  • Chelse-Oh
    November 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good piece, it was a little long for me, but the emotion was real and I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts, but it does get better. Good job. and good luck. ~Chelsey


  • snakeprincess742
    November 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    i know how you feel

    i allmost lost my anut cus of canser , i know whats its like to lose someone close to you , i know how painful it is seeing them in husptal im here if you need someone to talk honey , im sooo sorry you lost your mum ,

    loved the poem so heart feelt , i bet it was so hard for you , keep strong hon i know its hard


  • suran setsume
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    great

    I'm sorry for your loss, I can relate...that was a great wright, it touches deep the raw emotion I feel for you. good luck


  • dustytiger
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow this is very powerful, and very very sad, and dark too, it's a fantastic story (for lack of a better word) and a very deep and seemingly personal write, and enjoyed it very much, the only thing is, it has a feeling of "hot off the press" because it has a few words missing which comes off in haste the first one i came across was this "For never to hug you one last time" and there's a few others, it's totally up to you if you want to go through and change stuff, i love the poem tho, best of luck in the contest

1 - 19 of 19