The day turns dark.
The fire, cold.
The ring is black
That once was gold.
It’s winter in my sight.
No breath to wish,
Or strength to change.
Exhaustion seeps
All through my veins,
And heart with creeping ice.
All love is chilled,
And hatred dead.
My thoughts are rimed,
And bleak with dread.
My soul is trapped in frost.
Author notes
Prompt - 11. Below Freezing
A contest entry
- PROMPTS VIII - Round 1 of 2 - by Bear - by Arkbear.
400 points, ended November 8, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewritten contest for all by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 30, 90 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Something To Comment On =) by XxNinjaNemoxX.
650 points, ended September 18, 109 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wow... it's great. It's so lacking in emotion that it's completely awesome.
I like it!
Thanks for entering and best of luck
xoxo. -
Very...poignant poem and very very very enjoyable to read. Very well done, you're an amazing poet.
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I love this. It's so completely lacking in emotion, and in a normal poem, that would make it fail. But, because of the frosty natureof this poem, the lack of emotion perfectly fits and makes the poem all the better.
"No breath to wish,
Or strength to change.
Exhaustion seeps
All through my veins,"
These lines were my favorite. Also, the length of the poem was good too, not really short nor epically long.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^
Aeris Silverlight
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The day turns dark.
The fire, cold.
The ring is black
That once was gold.
It’s winter in my sight.
this paragraph was my favorite part in this poem even though i did enjoy reading the whole thing you have great talent keep up the great work if you ever need anyone to talk to i will be here for you -
its good
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I love how you make the person devoid of feelings. It's usually one or the other. Love or hate. But you made them unable to feel either of them. I also love how you say "no breath to wish, or strength to change" this is amazing. A great write!
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i felt more could have been done to take the prompt apart, explore it with more depth and connotational brevity even within your images
couple of stand out lines.
-personificational value of "exhaustion seeps" -
I love the way that you portrayed this piece its truly fantastic!!
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Beautiful imagery within the poem. I love the last line, My soul is trapped in frost, that's awesome!
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Very moving piece. I feel the pain in each
word. Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Delila
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The mood cool and chilling...you have taken this throughout the write to the end with that cold empty feeling...ryhme good...
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Powerful. Great rhythm and flow to this poem adds to it's gripping, chilling effect.
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How cool!
I had to look up *rimed*.....and after I did.....your write became really good
I am not a fan of CAPPING every single line, as it tends to ruin the Flow.......fr me ~
My brain reads ahead, and CAPS make me want to stop, especially at the beginning of each L...even though you were continuing on with a sentence ~
Your rhyme is simple.... but it works.....your L's are choppy, but it works ~
I get 61 words, but *it's* is counted as two....no worries..>>
http://javascript.internet.com/forms/word-count.html
Over-all....a write which made me smile.....and not because it was funny, but because you used your Prompt in such a wonderful way.....I hope it scores well enough to make it to Finals.....we will see......good luck & God bless you,
Bear ~
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This is filled with so much imagery. I hope you win the contest!
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