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Looking Glass

Are you really
about to start
falling down
and falling apart

Cause baby, like
a twisted fairy-tale,
I stopped believing

Looking Glass,
looking glass,
help me hold
on to reality

Can you see
inside my shoe-box,
is there any way
out?

And through this
looking glass, I
now see a myriad
of colors

Darling this isn't,
make-believe**

Author notes

6. Staring Rainbows
added comma's and deleted one word. check it out.

hell-bent-on-love

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • heart shaped box
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    Very very well written.
    love it.
    Keep up the awesome work.


  • aanika
    January 31
    Edit | Reply
    this is my judging for the emotion illness rounds - AUDITIONS.

    no.

    your punctuation is awkward (there are commas in places where they shouldn't be)
    and I've heard that last line SO many times before.

    this is a very cliched piece and I can tell you have potential.
    next time, maybe explore a different topic. thanks for entering.


  • heavenbird gold member
    January 28
    Edit | Reply
    This is my personal comment for the catharsis rounds.
    Upon the closing of the contest, I will comment back with a 'yes' or 'no.'

    That being said, I like some of your lines in here,
    but this completely failed in the emotion aspect of this contest.
    This didn't make me feel anything, which is the point of this contest.

    I'll be back.


  • stasis
    January 27

    Edit | Reply

    no

    Although there were aspects of this that I liked... it evoked no real emotion in me. I think you could have elaborated further on this, it seems a little too short for the context.

    Please wait for the other judge to comment with her opinion.

    ♣ Tegan


  • morgana raven Greeters member
    January 20
    Edit | Reply
    The ending here is fantastic. I like the overall poem but i love the wording here: And through this
    looking glass, I
    now see a myriad
    of colors

    Great work =) welcome to the group and if you want specific poems read feel free to add them to the list or make a topic on which ^_^
    Laura


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Puurrrrfect editing....IMHO


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Cause baby.....COMMA....like
    a twisted fairy-tale......COMMA.....
    I stopped believing

    Looking Glass.....COMMA.....
    looking glass.....COMMA.....
    help me hold
    on to reality


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello :)

     

    What a treasure you have penned :)

     

    **Can you see
    inside my shoe-box...COMMA.....
    is there any way
    out?

    And through this
    looking glass....COMMA..... I
    now see a myriad
    of colors

    Darling....COMMA.... this is
    no make-believe**

     

    Really nice!

     

    ....but use those commas to slow me down and let me absorb ALL of those great lines :)

     

    I get 61 words, so only an itsy bitsy deduction there..>>>  http://javascript.internet.com/forms/word-count.html

     

    Wow....I have read this a few times now.....and for the lack of punc.'s to slow me down, this is exceptional penning ~

     

    Use those Commas to slow me down and start me up :)

     

    Your Tone can behindered by Flow obstruction.....but as I said, after the next reads, my brain caught onto your style and it was better, but I always want to read something the first time....properly ~

     

    You took on such a heavy personification with your chosen Prompt and played it well.....good luck and God bless you,

     

     

    Bear ~

     

     

1 - 10 of 10